ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Nick Sucks

Nick really, truly sucks at being the bachelor. Everyone is mad at him because not only does he suck, but he can’t mitigate it with even feigning interest. I am not subjecting myself to this episode a second time, even for you my loyal readers. Shruggy g- oh wait, I have something for this.

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ABC

Fantasy Bachelor: Week 6 Preview

Apologies for missing last week, I know it’s hard to imagine that other things might take precedence over fantasy bachelor predictions, but it happened to me. The horror.

Question 1

Which tropical island do Nick and the bachelorettes visit?

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TV Recap, Uncategorized

Viall Style: Girl Corrineterrupted

Ugh. Ugggggh. Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why did it have to be like this?

First things first: I predicted Corinne wouldn’t last past Week 5, and I was wrong. And unfortunately we all lose as a result. Corinne and Taylor are playing two Bachelor archetypes here, and while it almost never ends well for either one, it definitely never ends well for the role that Taylor played.

The person who confronts the monster always dies. That’s just how it goes. It’s usually a noble sacrifice but it never ends up being a good look in the eyes of the bachelor himself. The monster also usually dies, but we did see Courtney Robertson ride her combination vitriol-generating indifference and Literally Being A Model to a proposal (or whatever it was). But the thing is that Corinne isn’t a model and is usually just drunk. She’s got a shitty voice and really isn’t even good television once you accept the fact that she’s an illegitimate Trump child (he spends enough time in Florida, admit it, it’s possible).

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Farm to Cable

Episode 4 kicked off with a continuance of Nick getting correctly bitched out by everyone who isn’t Corinne, including The Grace of Gingham, Chris Harrison. We slid from Corinne continuing to suck out loud while people are trying to help her right into a Rose Ceremony that she’s barely awake for. Spoiler: she gets the last rose. This was a surprise to no one, of course, except perhaps one contestant who dropped a literal “oh my god” as she stepped forward to accept her rose.

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ABC, Uncategorized

Fantasy Bachelor: Week 4 Preview

Last week’s preview was a winner. We nailed four of six questions and also got insanely lucky by guessing Danielle L. as the winner of the most awkward dance I’ve ever seen since Carlton Banks graced our airwaves. This week has added two more questions to the mix which just means two more opportunities to mess up! Let’s get to it.

Question 1

The bachelorettes get to travel this week! Where does Nick whisk them off to?

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Bachstreet’s Back

This week was a doozy. [Stefon voice] It. Had. Everything. A bounce house, fake space, vomit-kissing, a slowtunda…

wait…wait…what is a slowtunda

oh you know…it’s that thing when you’ve won a dance competition at a staged concert and the Backstreet Boys serenade you a capella as you do the worst slow dance of all time…

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Fantasy Bachelor: Week 3 Preview

Since I’ve had some time to kill recently and I’m tired of meticulously tracking down Chris Harrison’s “casual” line of plaid button ups so I can re-enact The Bachelor in the privacy of my own home (I’ve really been practicing the “coming up” voiceover), let’s go over what ABC has concocted for Week 3 of The Bachelor.

For those who don’t know, for the first time ABC has created a Bachelor fantasy game wherein they give you multiple choice and/or true/false questions prior to each week’s show, and you guess what will or won’t happen. Points are awarded for correct guesses. Simple.

Question 1

The Backstreet Boys visit the mansion this week! What hint do they give the bachelorettes about an upcoming date?

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