Nick really, truly sucks at being the bachelor. Everyone is mad at him because not only does he suck, but he can’t mitigate it with even feigning interest. I am not subjecting myself to this episode a second time, even for you my loyal readers. Shruggy g- oh wait, I have something for this.
Apologies for missing last week, I know it’s hard to imagine that other things might take precedence over fantasy bachelor predictions, but it happened to me. The horror.
Which tropical island do Nick and the bachelorettes visit?
Ugh. Ugggggh. Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why did it have to be like this?
First things first: I predicted Corinne wouldn’t last past Week 5, and I was wrong. And unfortunately we all lose as a result. Corinne and Taylor are playing two Bachelor archetypes here, and while it almost never ends well for either one, it definitely never ends well for the role that Taylor played.
The person who confronts the monster always dies. That’s just how it goes. It’s usually a noble sacrifice but it never ends up being a good look in the eyes of the bachelor himself. The monster also usually dies, but we did see Courtney Robertson ride her combination vitriol-generating indifference and Literally Being A Model to a proposal (or whatever it was). But the thing is that Corinne isn’t a model and is usually just drunk. She’s got a shitty voice and really isn’t even good television once you accept the fact that she’s an illegitimate Trump child (he spends enough time in Florida, admit it, it’s possible).
Episode 4 kicked off with a continuance of Nick getting correctly bitched out by everyone who isn’t Corinne, including The Grace of Gingham, Chris Harrison. We slid from Corinne continuing to suck out loud while people are trying to help her right into a Rose Ceremony that she’s barely awake for. Spoiler: she gets the last rose. This was a surprise to no one, of course, except perhaps one contestant who dropped a literal “oh my god” as she stepped forward to accept her rose.
Last week’s preview was a winner. We nailed four of six questions and also got insanely lucky by guessing Danielle L. as the winner of the most awkward dance I’ve ever seen since Carlton Banks graced our airwaves. This week has added two more questions to the mix which just means two more opportunities to mess up! Let’s get to it.
The bachelorettes get to travel this week! Where does Nick whisk them off to?
This week was a doozy. [Stefon voice] It. Had. Everything. A bounce house, fake space, vomit-kissing, a slowtunda…
wait…wait…what is a slowtunda
oh you know…it’s that thing when you’ve won a dance competition at a staged concert and the Backstreet Boys serenade you a capella as you do the worst slow dance of all time…
Since I’ve had some time to kill recently and I’m tired of meticulously tracking down Chris Harrison’s “casual” line of plaid button ups so I can re-enact The Bachelor in the privacy of my own home (I’ve really been practicing the “coming up” voiceover), let’s go over what ABC has concocted for Week 3 of The Bachelor.
For those who don’t know, for the first time ABC has created a Bachelor fantasy game wherein they give you multiple choice and/or true/false questions prior to each week’s show, and you guess what will or won’t happen. Points are awarded for correct guesses. Simple.
The Backstreet Boys visit the mansion this week! What hint do they give the bachelorettes about an upcoming date?
The Bachelor has started doing this thing in recent seasons where they don’t have a rose ceremony in an episode and then cram two into the following one. While I can appreciate playing with the format, the elongated storylines that come about as a result are just brutal and unnecessary. If there’s so much going on that you couldn’t get to a rose ceremony…fine, but that’s rarely the case, and it definitely wasn’t this week where only three women mattered. This brings us to…
Getting crushed on National Television. Ultimately that’s what this is about. We’ve seen it happen to Nick two times on The Bachelorette, before a redemptive stint on Bachelor in Paradise, that somehow ended up with him dumping Jennifer. This earned him the hearts of America? Well, we’re a fickle, dumb group of people and we deserve the person we get based on our fickle, dumb interests. That person is Nick Viall and he is here to make us happy.
God. Dammit. Not like that.
2016 has been utter trash but at least 2017 is starting things off right, with The Bachelor returning on January 2. I’m one of the rare folks out there that prefers The Bachelorette’s brotastic culture to the shimmering beauty of The Bachelor, but all told it’s a step in the right direction for 2017. Nick Viall is our main man this season, and we’re in danger of an overdose, as the artist formerly known as Normcore Nick has appeared on two Bachelorette seasons, plus Bachelor in Paradise.
He took a star turn on BiP, complete with a new shapeup which dramatically improved his attractiveness in your humble author’s opinion. The new hair, a rockin’ beach bod, and a willingness to tell Josh off made him a fan favorite. Now, let’s take some time to meet the lovely ladies who wish to steal his heart.
Age: 23
Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
What are five things you can’t live without? My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes and whitening strips
We Didn't Come Here To Make Friends 