Monthly Archives: November 2015

TLC, TV Recap

90 DF: Don’t Push Me (S3 E7)

Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…

  • Alexei was forced into modeling to please his future wife, which sounds like the plotline to a Lifetime movie, but isn’t. Unless it is. It might be.
  • Mormon Papa Dirk, King of the Uptight White Men finally cracked and welcomed Aleksandra into their lives and all was well except everyone still lived in Idaho.
  • Mark reminded Nikki of all the things she has to look forward to in their future, like never having children and hearing about his ex-wife all the time. So appealing!

59 days left to go in Baltimore, where Nikki and Mark are giving each other some space due to their arguments over their future children that Nikki may want and that Mark absolutely does not want. Nikki wants to get out of The Specimen’s House of Pianos and Depression and spend time with someone her own age, which is great. Who are you gonna hang out with, Nikki?

S3_E7_mark_kitchen

Oh.

…wait, why are there binoculars in the kitchen window? And bubbles? Just what exactly is going on in this antiquated appliance museum of sadness? MARRRRRRRKKKKKKK.

Continue reading →

Standard
Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: New Blood (S4 E2)

Enter Lala

Lala “has been modeling since [she] was 12” so being a waitress is her “first real job.” She immediately decides to go to Venice despite having shifts scheduled, and says she takes the job (seating people) as seriously as it deserves, which is a fair point except she literally just said it was her first real job. When Lisa asked her how things were going her reply of “well nobody has punched me in the face and called me a bitch yet” should have been seen as an omen. She could use a little of column A and a little of column B in this author’s humble opinion.

Jax’s girlfriend…fling? Main piece? Lady friend? Let’s go with lady friend, Brittany is all of a sudden in LA and looks eerily like Lala. Odds that this is the same person and they’re trying to cast her in two different roles? I put nothing past the Bravo execs. Jax thinks Lisa is going to hire Brala even though Lisa is stridently opposed to hiring couples. Jax set Brala up for success for this interview by actually not preparing her at all and allowing her to take the meeting wearing a romper and not having a resumé. Jax takes advantage of Brala being in an interview to hit on Actual Lala.

Ugh Kristen

Because Kristen appears to be contractually obligated to ruin every episode, the drama in “New Blood” mostly centers around old news Kristen and James and their animated corpse of a relationship. Their current clusterfuck of shame, hurt, and indifference centers on James calling an Uber at 6 AM for a woman he went home with. Scheartreuse has dubbed this…I’ll let her tell you:

Screen Shot 2015-11-18 at 10.31.45 PM

Continue reading →

Standard
TLC, TV Recap

90DF: Lights, Camera, Drama (S3 E6)

Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…

  • Kyle/Noon: flashback to Casa de Cucarachas; Noon desperately tries to sweep away her insect-filled nightmares.
  • Aleksandra: wants to go home to Prague; learns that Rexburg is full of dancing potatoes.
  • Mark/Nikki: Nikki asks if Mark has regrets about her arrival; Mark says she might be projecting her feelings, is human equivalent of a “no, YOU’RE crying” tweet.
  • Loren/Alexei: Skype call of depression to the motherland; Loren cries.
  • Melanie/Devar: Devar says he’ll send money to Jamaica once he starts working; Melanie calls for a prenup; Bev goes Full Bev.
    S3E6_Bev_Reaction

We open with Mark (he’s a specimen) saying that the last few weeks with Nikki have been “a bit challenging.” Mark’s sister and her children are coming into town for a party, which should be a celebration, but Nikki’s period is also in town. Excuse me, her “time of the month.” You’re a grown man, Specimen. Say period.

Cut to the party prep…which is Mark taking a stack of waffles out of the microwave? The party is breakfast? I won’t even get out of bed in time to make myself breakfast most mornings and these people are flying in from Colorado. Them waffles better be good, Specimen.

Continue reading →

Standard
TLC, TV Recap

90DF: Better Late Than Never

You know when  you have an idea that sounds fun and you want to do it, but then you actually have to, you know, do it? And it takes a while? Because you’re lazy? That’s this blog. We took a while to get here.

You know who’s not taking a while to get places? Our friends over at 90 Day Fiancé.

For the uninitiated, the TLC show focuses on couples who have applied for a K-1 visa and have only 90 calendar days to marry their mate once they arrive in the United States. That’s not a lot of time! If this blog was running on the 90DF clock, we’d be in trouble. Luckily we aren’t, so let’s take a moment to meet our couples whose every move is underscored by the gentle sound of a life-altering clock ticking in the background. So soothing.

Mark (58) and Nikki (19)

mark_nikki

Yes, 19.

Continue reading →

Standard
Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: Playtime’s Over (S4 E1)

Brief Introduction

Hello and welcome. Welcome to We Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, which is, in case you were wondering, an ideal length for a blog name. It also shortens to handy acronym: WDCHTMF. Rolls right off the uvula.

You might think that our inaugural post would focus on the sort of Bad Reality Television that inspired the name for our humble blog: your Bachelor/ette, your… well basically any of the Bachelor/ette franchises. You might think that. But no, we’re going to start with a show that perfectly displays the reason why one doesn’t come on a reality show to make or be friends.

Vanderpump Rules

That show, dear reader, is Vanderpump Rules, which we pick up in its (stunningly) fourth season (seriously how are we in the fourth season of this disease-ridden franchise?).

While there was a lot of narrative to catch up on, this was something of a tame premier. We open with Lisa openly calling out members of her staff in front of everyone, which is a power (but also a dick) move. This meeting serves not only to let us know that SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant (for true though)) is getting some work done, and that our hero Jax Taylor is undergoing a third round of surgery on his nose.

Ugh Kristen

Continue reading →

Standard