Hello and welcome. Welcome to We Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, which is, in case you were wondering, an ideal length for a blog name. It also shortens to handy acronym: WDCHTMF. Rolls right off the uvula.
You might think that our inaugural post would focus on the sort of Bad Reality Television that inspired the name for our humble blog: your Bachelor/ette, your… well basically any of the Bachelor/ette franchises. You might think that. But no, we’re going to start with a show that perfectly displays the reason why one doesn’t come on a reality show to make or be friends.
That show, dear reader, is Vanderpump Rules, which we pick up in its (stunningly) fourth season (seriously how are we in the fourth season of this disease-ridden franchise?).
While there was a lot of narrative to catch up on, this was something of a tame premier. We open with Lisa openly calling out members of her staff in front of everyone, which is a power (but also a dick) move. This meeting serves not only to let us know that SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant (for true though)) is getting some work done, and that our hero Jax Taylor is undergoing a third round of surgery on his nose.
We also see the toxicity that pervades every aspect of this show when James tells Jax something about Carmen, Jax immediately texts people, and it gets back to Kristen, who reams James out. James lies reflexively, then confronts Jax who wonders “why do you care?” which is a dangerous thing to say out loud on this show because it might cause the viewer to wonder “why do I care about any of this. The answer, of course, is that you don’t. You don’t have to remember anything you just read, none of this matters at all. What does matter is this brings us our first instance of Kristen just showing up to shit unannounced and uninvited, glaring like she’s a pack of cats. Get used to this.
Of course, there is one nugget of good to come of this interaction between the two people with the least amount of self-awareness on the show. Okay, two. First:
Kristen: learn to control your fucking anger bro, you’re in your thirties, like…
Jax: so are you! SO ARE YOU!!!
Kristen: [laughing] and I control my anger…
Jax: then you shouldn’t have came over here to start a fight!
Second: We get a flashback to Kristen getting fired (mmm, it feels so good inside to watch that again) which served as a blessing in disguise for her, so she could focus on her t-shirt line, which promises to be the piece of shit that keeps on giving throughout this season. This is a noted departure from the “piece of shit that keeps on taking” role that Kristen usually takes.
Next Jax gets a visit from his mom, which provides us with the chance for a gratuitous shot of Jax naked, and also the opportunity for us to check in on what kind of blankets he’s got going on in his apartment. Important update on that front:
Vanderpump Rules is not for the weak. You learn things about yourself. Dark things. Fortunately for Holly, her silverware is not entirely stolen from her place of employment (or SUR), so the similarities appear to end at blankets.
Let’s check in on Kristen’s t-shirt business, on which she’s (blessedly) had so much time to spend an-
Oh no. What is that. What does that even mean? Holly help me.
Holly: It’s basic and boring, yet presumes that you will find it interesting and worthwhile due to the half-assed phrasing and attempt at design. Much like Kristen herself, you’ll want to forget you ever saw it, but you’ll be telling all of your friends how shitty it is in no time.
Yes, that is exactly it.
Bro-date at the Salon
So anyway, we get a Scheana (pronounce however you want because the actual pronunciation doesn’t make sense anyway) party, which have previously been major points of drama in the series. First there was the Tom Sandoval/Jax fight, then there was the Tom Sandoval/James fight, and most recently, at Schooner and Shay’s wedding, the James/Kristen fight. Kristen is not invited to this party. Remember that.
This was a “Decade Party” which was said so casually you’d think it was a real thing. That is something you’ll never convince me of. This allowed us to experience the joys of seeing Toms S. at the hair salon wherein Tom Schwartz is getting a perm to go with his righteous (read: unfortunate) sideburns, since they’re going as the 70s. Schwartz is very into this perm, though the perm is not nearly as into Schwartz.
Sidebar: Sandoval was eating his lunch while they’re at this appointment, and well… do people eat at the hair salon? Is this a thing I’ve been missing out on thus far?
Cut to the party where everyone really went all out on their costumes, and I’ll admit, the Toms look pretty good given their theme. It also appears that Ariana has decided to go as Velma, and makes a pretty convincing case for the look, though she bailed on the glasses. Also, Sandoval gives voice to the thought that everyone has every time Kristen appears on screen:
Kristen, you’ll recall, was not invited. While ignoring the nonvite, she also appeared to disregard the party’s theme, which is fair, because it’s Not Actually A Thing. She also brought a friend to the party she wasn’t invited to. As one does.
A few notes from the party:
- Ken Vanderpump threatens Sandoval for reasons unknown.
- Lisa tells Sandoval to “roll off” which is fair because he’s on skates, but still funny as a dismissal.
- Scheattle realizes this is an increasingly rare opportunity to be the center of attention despite this being a party for her and two other women.
- Kristen and Lisa go toe-to-toe over her impacting James’ DJ work. The only part of this that matters is
- James, the epitome of class, gets absolutely slammered on Fireball, to the point that Kristen (WHO WAS NOT INVITED) feels embarrassed by him. This is an achievement.
- James proceeds to hit on Scheeter’s friend Jenna directly in front of Kristen.
- Tom rollerskates into a pool wearing only a leather jacket and tighty-whities.