You know when you have an idea that sounds fun and you want to do it, but then you actually have to, you know, do it? And it takes a while? Because you’re lazy? That’s this blog. We took a while to get here.
You know who’s not taking a while to get places? Our friends over at 90 Day Fiancé.
For the uninitiated, the TLC show focuses on couples who have applied for a K-1 visa and have only 90 calendar days to marry their mate once they arrive in the United States. That’s not a lot of time! If this blog was running on the 90DF clock, we’d be in trouble. Luckily we aren’t, so let’s take a moment to meet our couples whose every move is underscored by the gentle sound of a life-altering clock ticking in the background. So soothing.
Mark (58) and Nikki (19)
Who: Mark, 58, a piano renter from Baltimore. Nikki, 19, from the Philippines.
Potential obstacles: Age differences, Mark.
After meeting/dating online and spending two days together in person, Mark proposed. With a ring made from a plastic zip-tie. He did not go to Jared. Somewhere, an ad exec begins to research the potential of jewelry sales at Home Depot.
What do we know about Mark? He’s been married before, and is a father of four grown children. What do we know about Mark’s first marriage? Oh, just that it was to a Filipino woman from Cebu, which is Nikki’s hometown. Mark likes to be consistent, you see. Mark also likes to wake up each morning and say a positive affirmation to start his day:
He’s certainly something.
Ways Mark Tries To Make Nikki Feel Welcome:
- Leaves a photo of himself and his ex-wife on display in the house.
- Introduces Nikki to his 21-year-old daughter.
- Wakes Nikki up each morning with a train whistle.
- Buys Nikki a car.*
* A red Mazda Miata, which is the SAME CAR HE BOUGHT FOR HIS EX-WIFE during their marriage. Consistency!
Alexei (27) and Loren (27)
Who: Alexei, 27, a medic from Israel. Loren, 27, an executive assistant from New York.
Potential obstacles: separation from Alexei’s family, a catastrophic flood caused by Loren’s incessant crying.
Loren met Alexei while she was embarking on a birthright trip to Israel. A week and a half later, he proposed. Due to delays in the approval process for Alexei’s visa, our couple initially reunites in Canada to introduce Alexei to Loren’s parents, who are also their future roommates.
Loren is concerned that she cannot support herself and Alexei in New York, so her parents have agreed to take them in to their condo in Florida. Loren’s dad, the show’s likely MVP, lays out the house rules shortly after their arrival:
“I don’t wanna hear it. I don’t wanna find any wrappers. I don’t wanna see it.”
You tell ’em, Dad.
Melanie (33) and Devar (28)
Who: Melanie, 33, a nurse from Pennsylvania. Devar, 28, a lifeguard from Jamaica.
Potential obstacles: Melanie’s family, money.
When you go on an island vacation, you might bring home a souvenir to remember those warm, sunny days on the beach. A coffee mug, a t-shirt, maybe a keychain. Melanie brought home the lifeguard.
This is Melanie’s sister, Beverly. Beverly would prefer a keychain.
Ol’ Bev here is concerned that Devar is just using her sister for a green card. She also has concerns about Devar’s sexual history, noting at a dinner with Melanie and Devar that Melanie, by proxy, has now slept with every woman in Devar’s past, and as such, is at risk for “the big STDs.” It’s not nice to be a size queen, Bev. The small STDs deserve your attention too.
Kyle (28) and Noon (25)
Who: Kyle, 28, a bartender on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Noon, 25, from Bangkok.
Potential obstacles: Kyle’s job, Kyle’s house, whatever diseases you can catch from roaches.
I want to start off by saying that I think Kyle is truly in love with Noon. I want to immediately follow that up by saying that Kyle is a grown-ass filth monster who is completely unprepared to live with a woman. When we meet Kyle, we are introduced to his house, a shotgun-style building that is also occupied by his (frequently nude) roommate and a lot of insects freely crawling on the walls and floors.
Before Noon arrives, the frequently nude roommate and Kyle stand in Kyle’s room as he makes attempts at cleaning that would leave a small child embarrassed by his inability to put things away where they belong. During this time, they also discuss the potential awkward situations that could come up due to the layout of the house. The phrase “going to pound town” is used without a shred of irony.
Eventually, Noon arrives and is taken to the house to survey its majesty. Your thoughts, Noon?
Any particular reason, Noon?
Somebody go help that cat.
Aleksandra (21) and Josh (22)
Who: Aleksandra, 21, a reformed party girl from Russia. Josh, 22, a Mormon from Idaho.
Potential obstacles: the unrelenting stares of Josh’s judgmental family and friends, living in Idaho.
They met while Josh was on a mission trip in Prague. After falling in love, Aleksandra converted to Mormonism and gave up her passion for dancing in nightclubs, drinking, wearing mostly spandex, and generally enjoying her life. She moved to Idaho to be with Josh, and due to their religious convictions, is living with Josh’s grandmother until the wedding. Aleksandra already has doubts about getting married at such a young age, and I have doubts that Josh can speak at a volume above a stage whisper.
Josh’s mother takes Aleksandra out shopping for her super conservative and Mormon-approved wedding gown and Josh takes Aleksandra out for a night of salsa dancing at a local restaurant. Both of these adventures end in despair and Aleksandra wishing she was anywhere but Bumfuck Nowhere, Idaho.
Fernando (39) and Carolina (22)
Who: Fernando, 39, from Miami. Carolina, 22, from Colombia.
Potential obstacles: Fernando’s wandering eye, living with his parents.
Fernando and Carolina met in Colombia while they were both on dates with other people. We’re shown clips of Fernando, who most certainly owns a fedora, being a self-professed “ladies man” along the beaches of Miami and we are told that his first marriage ended due to his flirtations with other women. He and Mark could get together and write a self-help book about always making the same life choices. I would choose to never read that book.
Carolina hasn’t been approved for her K-1 visa yet, as Fernando hasn’t provided all of the necessary documentation (*cough DIVORCE PAPERS cough*) on his end to seal the deal. Fernando’s parents are worried about the prospect of welcoming a Colombian woman into their shared home due to cultural differences, one of which is the perceived lack of tablecloths in Colombia by Fernando’s mother.
Melanie’s sister thinks everyone in Jamaica is a whore, Fernando’s mom thinks nobody in Colombia has ever had a nice dinner. I bet those two would get along.
90 Day Fiancé airs Sunday nights at 10/9C on TLC.