Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…
- Kyle/Noon: flashback to Casa de Cucarachas; Noon desperately tries to sweep away her insect-filled nightmares.
- Aleksandra: wants to go home to Prague; learns that Rexburg is full of dancing potatoes.
- Mark/Nikki: Nikki asks if Mark has regrets about her arrival; Mark says she might be projecting her feelings, is human equivalent of a “no, YOU’RE crying” tweet.
- Loren/Alexei: Skype call of depression to the motherland; Loren cries.
- Melanie/Devar: Devar says he’ll send money to Jamaica once he starts working; Melanie calls for a prenup; Bev goes Full Bev.
We open with Mark (he’s a specimen) saying that the last few weeks with Nikki have been “a bit challenging.” Mark’s sister and her children are coming into town for a party, which should be a celebration, but Nikki’s period is also in town. Excuse me, her “time of the month.” You’re a grown man, Specimen. Say period.
Cut to the party prep…which is Mark taking a stack of waffles out of the microwave? The party is breakfast? I won’t even get out of bed in time to make myself breakfast most mornings and these people are flying in from Colorado. Them waffles better be good, Specimen.
Nikki overcomes her time of the month long enough to wander downstairs, only to be placed between Specimen and his sister for the familial introductions. As the sound of cutlery and chewing is not nearly enough to overcome the vast ocean of silence filling the dining room, Mark offers this bit of trivia about Nikki:
“Nikki, um, loves maple syrup, so she’s a big maple syrup fan.”
Lord jesus, give me a waffle and let me choke to death so I can get away from this unbalanced breakfast.
We join Loren and Alexei at the beach, where Loren chose to take him because he “used to go to the beach back home.” What else did Alexei get to do back home? Make his own decisions, probably. He doesn’t get to do that anymore. You see, Loren wants Alexei to become a model, while Alexei would prefer that Alexei does something more meaningful with his life. While Alexei dreams of becoming a medic, Loren mentally composes his modeling resume, eagerly listing “abs” in the “Special Skills” section. When asked by the imaginary HR people in her head (or the TLC producers) for more details about this skill, she outlines it as such: “POP POP POP V.”
Someone took an anatomy class in high school! Alexei mutters one last plea about his desire to help people as a medic or a firefighter, and Loren, a woman who has never heard the word “no”, gently points out that “they have calendars with firemen in them.” Run, Alexei.
In the aftermath of the awkward dinner with her family, Melanie is still reeling that Devar would dare even SUGGEST that it’s okay to send money home to his family in Jamaica once he begins working. Devar “clarifies” and states that it would only be if his family specifically asks for money when faced with an emergency. Uh huh. Melanie is soothed by this explanation, but says in an interview that she doesn’t think 90 days is enough time to get to know someone before getting married (which, duh) and swears that if Devar is up to something that he’s “going back to Jamaica.” Did you save the receipt, Melanie? You’re only gonna get store credit if you try to return him without a receipt.
With only 37 days left to go before the wedding in Rexburg (because even goddamn TLC doesn’t want to spend that much time in Idaho), Josh tries to pump up Aleksandra by telling her that he knows of a great way for her to spend time with his family and get them, particularly his father, to like her. Josh’s idea? Scripture reading at 6:00 every morning! Josh has terrible ideas. Unconvinced, Josh clarifies to Aleksandra that he’ll “make sure the door is unlocked” so she can get in the house. WELL THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING! The next morning, Aleksandra’s alarm goes off at 5:49 AM, and she hits the snooze button like a girl after my cold heathen heart. Mormon Papa Dirk, King of the Uptight White Men, is very displeased that Aleksandra has not arrived at 6:00 on the dot. Meanwhile, his sons have not bothered to put on actual pants for Jesus. Aleksandra shows up quickly and is greeted by Mormon Mom, while MPDKOTUWM doesn’t stop reading aloud to acknowledge her presence. He soon asks Aleksandra to read a passage, and smirks to himself as she stumbles over an unfamiliar word here and there. Once finished, the family kneels on the floor to pray, minus the tiniest child who instead chooses to do yoga.
In rugburn’s name we pray, amen.
Kyle’s truck is parked outside of Casa de Cucarachas in New Orleans and we see him throwing junk in the truck bed because it’s moving day! Kyle recognized how important privacy and general cleanliness were to Noon and got them a place of their own. What the new place lacks in Frequently Nude Roommates, it makes up for in…car bumpers?
Think of it as an accent piece.They’re both thrilled to be in the house, and allude to “privacy” while gazing at each other and it is here that I have to credit Kyle for not winking at the camera or saying “pound town” again. Aww, our little filth monster’s growing up!
Back in Florida, Loren and Alexei have arrived at the modeling agency. They’ve shown up with no photos of Alexei, because again, this is not what he wants to do, and as such, the agent quickly asks Alexei to lift up his shirt so she can see his body. Once the abs are inspected, the agent speaks directly to Loren and says that Alexei needs to grow out his hair and beard. Alexei, who *is* in the room despite what the women would have you believe, is not on board with either proposition, but Loren goes into full Stage Mom mode and swears that they’ll make it happen. They schedule a test shoot for Alexei, and I’ll let you guess who the excited one is.
The Specimen is now referring to Nikki’s period as “her monthly” and saying that he’s been trying “keep some distance” from her ever since his family went back to Colorado. What we have here is a
dad man scared of his teenage daughter fiancée. Buy her some dang tampons and a chocolate bar and shut up. Mark laments that she’s not getting out of bed and that “his songbird has stopped singing” and he had “hoped it wouldn’t stop”. The fuck does that mean? Nikki’s personality? Their “love”? His boner? They sit down to talk and she apologizes for being moody and says that she’ll try to control it and Mark, a man haunted by his past who is desperately trying to pick the right pages this time in the Choose Your Own Adventure book of life, spits out “WELLLL, my ex-wife also said that.” This is tense and ugly and they need to go separate ways yesterday. OH GOD THEN HE BRINGS UP BIRTH CONTROL AS A MOOD FIXER. Nikki cries alone in her bedroom, Mark goes and plays piano.
28 days left in Idaho, and Josh’s parents interrogate Aleksandra and Josh as they sit under a painting of Jesus. Mormon Papa Dirk, King of the Uptight White Men seems to be caving! He calls Aleksandra a good person! Mormon Mom tries to smile, and it’s the saddest smile you’ve ever seen.
53 days left on Alexei and Loren, and Alexei has to do his test shoot. She’s elated, he is actively praying for death. Lamont The Photographer eases him in comfortably by extolling all of the things Alexei will have to do that he doesn’t want to do to “make it in the industry.” Is…is this a porn shoot? KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, LAMONT. I’m watching you, sir. Loren forces Alexei into a bathroom to shave his chest. Freshly shorn, Alexei begins modeling in jeans and no shirt, and then we meet Alexei Jr. when he strips down to his undies. While the shoot is happening, Loren is hella confident that Alexei is going to change his mind at any second.
Your thoughts, Alexei?
Alexei begs to leave and Lamont says they maybe got “two or three” good images out of the whole day. You cold, Lamont. Lamont is an iceberg disguised in a yellow polo.
On Bourbon Street, a woman in a headband and her friend hit on Kyle while Noon is sitting right there. Noon worries about Kyle’s ability to be faithful. She confronts him on their walk home and says he should tell customers he has a girlfriend; he explains that he doesn’t mean it when he’s flirting with customers and is only doing it to earn more money. Poor Noon. From cockroaches to bedazzled barflies.
Next time on 90 Day Fiancé…
- Aleksandra’s family arrives. Her mom says she read that Mormon men have “many, many wives.” MOM, NO. This is 90 Day Fiancé, not SisterWives.
- Mark and Nikki go for a drive, he tells her to smile more. Shut up, Mark.
- Carolina meets Fernando’s mother who proceeds to call Colombians “very crazy” right to Carolina’s face. Bold!
- Loren and Alexei fight about modeling. Shocker.
- Melanie tells Devar there’s nothing in the bank account between wedding planning and all the trips to Jamaica. Like, empty empty, or just empty of money that could be wired internationally?
- Noon wants to know why Kyle is estranged from his family. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.
90 Day Fiancé airs Sunday nights at 10/9C on TLC.