Enter Lala

Lala “has been modeling since [she] was 12” so being a waitress is her “first real job.” She immediately decides to go to Venice despite having shifts scheduled, and says she takes the job (seating people) as seriously as it deserves, which is a fair point except she literally just said it was her first real job. When Lisa asked her how things were going her reply of “well nobody has punched me in the face and called me a bitch yet” should have been seen as an omen. She could use a little of column A and a little of column B in this author’s humble opinion.

Jax’s girlfriend…fling? Main piece? Lady friend? Let’s go with lady friend, Brittany is all of a sudden in LA and looks eerily like Lala. Odds that this is the same person and they’re trying to cast her in two different roles? I put nothing past the Bravo execs. Jax thinks Lisa is going to hire Brala even though Lisa is stridently opposed to hiring couples. Jax set Brala up for success for this interview by actually not preparing her at all and allowing her to take the meeting wearing a romper and not having a resumé. Jax takes advantage of Brala being in an interview to hit on Actual Lala.

Ugh Kristen

Because Kristen appears to be contractually obligated to ruin every episode, the drama in “New Blood” mostly centers around old news Kristen and James and their animated corpse of a relationship. Their current clusterfuck of shame, hurt, and indifference centers on James calling an Uber at 6 AM for a woman he went home with. Scheartreuse has dubbed this…I’ll let her tell you:

The Smoking Gun Uber sounds like a three-act play that should have been a one-act play that actually shouldn’t have happened, produced, directed, and acted by a “friend” you don’t even like and put on in a side-theater during college.

This never-should-have-been one-act play ultimately leads to a Kristen/James confrontation where she reveals that people think she’s paranoid for checking her boyfriend’s email, but “she finds something every single time.” Now, this is where it might occur to you, me, the person reading this over your shoulder on public transportation, or even the troubled couple down the hallway that if you’re consistently reading and finding shit in your significant other’s email, well than maybe it’s time to drop the “significant” portion of that label. Ultimately, these two people are far too hungry and shitty people to do themselves the service of not having sex to find out which one is more selfish.

Oh also Kristen declared “we are done” and walked out of the restaurant but not before grabbing her gigantic glass of wine which she either took with her, or chugged.

Let’s go with chugged.

Later in this horrible relationship, James visits Kristen at her apartment where she’s been drinking. She demands to have James tell her exactly what happened between him and Jenna, even though she has already decided on what she wants to believe. James cops to making out with her, trying to undress her, but not NOT having sex with her. Oh phew. Oh but wait, about that thing he just copped to?

He… he knows that this is gonna be on TV right? This is going to blow your mind, but Kristen takes him back because he “had the balls to tell the truth” but that’s just Kristen for “I don’t know how to be alone, so I’d rather be with damaged people.”

Rankings Are Never Easy

Schwartz and Katie talk to Gordo, the dog they bought last season and the closed captioning has just recapped this show better than I ever could. I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t hurt.

These two seem like they’re in a good place, and it makes me happy. They’re the second and third most likable people on VPR behind Ariana. They discuss how they both think Schwartz would be a good dad, all the way not acknowledging that he’s currently sporting a mutton chops and a perm. TomKat (Editor’s Note: I do not endorse this. – H) goes on to discuss their relationship and how things have been going pretty well. This all leads Schwartz to list, in order, the things he has going for him right now:

[holds hand to imaginary earpiece while getting info from imaginary producer]
Okay we’re going to need a minute for Schwartz to gather his th- we’re back? Okay he’s good to go, back to Schwartz:

There are two things I would let Tom Schwartz do were he in my employ: name dogs and rank things. (Editor’s Note: can we hire Schwartz for this blog? Let’s hire Schwartz. – H)

Ugh Kristen Again

It’s not fair. It’s not fair twice in one episode but here we are. Schean of the Dead and Queen of the Damned (Kristen) argue over the extent to which Kristen called Schear Madness a “rude bitch” before segueing into the problems of Kristen and James. This allows for a breakthrough moment from The DarSchearling Limited where she tells Kristen right to her bitch-face that she is the common denominator in a lot of the her problems. Kristen’s immediate reaction to this wake up call is to say “I still cannot wrap my head around how any of this is my fault” which, to her credit, is a staggering display of cognitive dissonance. She follows up that triple salchow of logic by going right into a quadruple toeloop by somehow saying that despite all the problems that she has caused The Real Slim Scheady, that this is really all about Sandoval and Ariana, who aren’t even involved. She sticks the landing!

Other Notes:

• Jax is into stinky feet.
• Fireball has to have a sponsorship on this show. Has to.
• Tom and Ariana go shopping for a couch to replace the one that Jax and Kristen have tainted.
• Lisa said “secret snogging”
• Katie and Scheana correctly peg Lala’s “modeling” job as something…less (more?) than that, Lala threatens to seat more people in their section.
• Scheanery and Shay have a fuckton of pictures of themselves in their apartment. Like a disturbing amount.
• Kristen agrees it’s hard to be friends with her, but guess what it’s not her fault.

TFW Jax Says Something With Less Self Awareness Than Usual

All images courtesy of/belong to Bravo