Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…

• Alexei was forced into modeling to please his future wife, which sounds like the plotline to a Lifetime movie, but isn’t. Unless it is. It might be.
• Mormon Papa Dirk, King of the Uptight White Men finally cracked and welcomed Aleksandra into their lives and all was well except everyone still lived in Idaho.
• Mark reminded Nikki of all the things she has to look forward to in their future, like never having children and hearing about his ex-wife all the time. So appealing!

59 days left to go in Baltimore, where Nikki and Mark are giving each other some space due to their arguments over their future children that Nikki may want and that Mark absolutely does not want. Nikki wants to get out of The Specimen’s House of Pianos and Depression and spend time with someone her own age, which is great. Who are you gonna hang out with, Nikki?

Oh.

…wait, why are there binoculars in the kitchen window? And bubbles? Just what exactly is going on in this antiquated appliance museum of sadness? MARRRRRRRKKKKKKK.

Nikki and Elise go out shopping, a fun, normal activity for two young ladies, except one is marrying the other one’s father and their despair is being filmed for the world to see. Nikki finds a white crocheted dress in a thrift store, and all thoughts turn to a beach wedding. If there’s a wedding. They’re still figuring that out, okay? Sandria, the friendly shop assistant who doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into, excitedly asks Nikki more about her wedding:

You said it, sister.

Jump over to Idaho, where we are one week away from Josh and Aleksandra’s wedding, because, again, nobody wants to spend more time in Rexburg than they have to. Aleksandra’s parents are flying into town and they’ll be staying with her at Josh’s grandmother’s house, a house currently filled with some delicious looking breakfast foods. This show is consistent on the importance of breakfast and I respect it. Now give me some bacon. En route to the airport, Josh is practicing his Russian so he can greet Aleksandra’s parents and they are super cute and very happy in this moment.

In this moment they are also wearing matching shirts, the international symbol of commitment between two people who aren’t having sex.

Time to meet the parents! Armed with miniature American flags (for all) and posters, our couple welcomes Vlad and Svetlana and let me tell you how happy I am for them to meet Josh’s family.

I like Vlad already.

In New Orleans, Kyle has tracked down a lovely Buddhist temple where he wants to have his wedding with Noon. Over beignets from Cafe du Monde, Noon asks Kyle when he is going to introduce her to his parents. Kyle has been estranged from his mother for a decade, and his father for six years. TLC will no doubt treat this situation with dignity and respect and surely not force a reunion for the sake of televi…oh, that’s the next episode? Ok.

45 days until the wedding in whatever part of Florida desperately needs Russian male models, and Alexei is reminding Loren that he really doesn’t want to be a model. You know that part in How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the good one, not that Jim Carrey bullshit) where the Grinch is stealing the tree and little Cindy-Lou Who (who was no more than two) shows up and looks at the Grinch, bats her eyes, and asks “Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?” – that is Loren in this scene. A grown woman transformed into a tiny fictional child asking why her shiny hopes and dreams are being taken away from her.

Loren: I think that you’re a perfect model.
Alexei: ……
Loren: Not as a full-time job, but something on the side! It’s definitely something you should really do, you just need to want it.
Alexei: I don’t want it.
Loren: BUT WHYYYYYY?

Alexei hints at an ultimatum of sorts, saying how he left everything to come here for her and that she shouldn’t push him on this. Those eyelashes aren’t gonna get you what you want, Loren. Take a cup of water and go back to bed. And tell me what mascara you use.

Through six episodes, we haven’t spent much time with Fernando and Carolina, mostly because she was still in Colombia. Fernando’s mother, however, has spent this time preparing for war. She doesn’t like Colombians, she doesn’t like Carolina, and she sure as shit doesn’t like Fernando and Carolina’s relationship. She also doesn’t like welcome home parties and balloons.

Fernando is very aware of his mother’s combative ways and what’s likely to occur once Carolina is in the house. I hope they have popcorn in those kitchen cabinets so I can show up uninvited for the live show.

Road trip time! Mark and Nikki are heading out to Ocean City, a new and exciting adventure for the both of them HAHA JUST KIDDING HE TOOK HIS EX-WIFE HERE MULTIPLE TIMES. Goddammit, Mark. The Specimen starts telling a story about a beautiful woman he met in Hawaii and shockingly, Nikki is not into it. They argue about how much he mentions the past and how she should smile more and how it’d be nice if they could just drive the car out of the tv and run me over so I can escape this nightmare. Their moods don’t improve at the beach and to make things worse, TLC shows us Mark’s back hair glistening with salt water. The further we go with these two, the less I am able to understand them. Who was this version of Vacation Mark that seemed like someone Nikki could fall in love with? Nikki seems extremely reasonable and logical despite her age, and I just don’t get it.

I hope you didn’t have a big lunch because it’s time to go back to Miami for dinner with Fernando’s family, and his mother cooks a mean meal. Appetizers, anyone?

Mmm, delicious. On to the main course.

I’m sure you have room for dessert, don’t you?

My god. Look, I know everything this woman said to Carolina was awful and inappropriate, but what a performance. I haven’t seen anything like it. If this were baseball, she wouldn’t make it into the Hall of Fame because she plays dirty, but this is 90 Day Fiancé and suddenly we have a new frontrunner for MVP. Sorry, Loren’s dad.

Odds and Ends:

• Melanie bought a wedding dress.
• Aleksandra’s parents learned everything they know about Mormonism through Google, are relieved to learn that polygamy is no longer standard practice.
• Vlad wore cutoff jorts and was still somehow the most fashionable man in Rexburg.
• Mark and Nikki went to dinner in Ocean City; Nikki did not order off of the kid’s menu.

Next time on 90 Day Fiancé…

• WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS EPISODE IS TWO HOURS LONG.
• Loren’s bachelorette party! She’s gonna get a butt in her face!
• Carolina finds panties in Fernando’s closet. I really hope they aren’t his.
• Aleksandra receives a modest nightgown at her bridal shower. Scandalous!
• We’re gonna meet Kyle’s mom and hear about ‘Merica. If Lee Greenwood makes a cameo, I’m out.

90 Day Fiancé airs Sunday nights at 10/9C on TLC.