Sex Sent Me To The ER is, by title alone, exactly what it sounds like. And by being exactly what it sounds like, we find ourselves with a set of three guiding principles to lead us like the North Star through these amorous atrocities if the North Star were to fall from the sky and damage your genitals:

• Wow
• How
• Owwww

If you’ve never seen the show, or you’ve made it this far and still don’t quite understand what we’re dealing with here, allow me to assist.

This man is a doctor. This doctor is talking about a patient who had beads implanted under the skin of his penis, which then became hella infected because his penis did not want beads (BEES?!) in it. Imagine that.

Here we have a lady in a deer head. No, this wasn’t some sort of Bambi or Big Buck Hunter roleplay, but the result of the deer head falling off of the wall because of too much bumping from the pre-humping on your mom’s couch there in the background. Alas, the deer head was not the only thing that went unmounted that fateful evening.

Are you getting the picture now? Do you feel like you understand how this works? I want to make sure you understand how this works, so let’s continue this exploration of copulation calamities.

That One With The Popsicle

That One With The Condom Where It Didn’t Belong

That should do it. I think you understand now.

Be safe and have a happy New Year’s. Don’t drink and drive, and don’t drink and inhale a condom. Uber can only save you from one of those things.

Sex Sent Me To The ER returns on Saturday, January 2nd at 10/9C on TLC.