(Each weekly episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER features three stories of whoopee whoopsies, but two of the ones this week are boring, so let’s focus on the story of one lady and her “Lady Jane”.)
Meet Josh and Amber. The first thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they have been together for six years. The second thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they love morning sex, calling it a “great way to start the day.” Amber will soon learn that this particular day will not turn out so great for her and her hoo-ha.
Note: TLC doesn’t have this episode online, but one of the main production points of Sex Sent Me To The ER is cutaways to background objects violently shaking to indicate that our dramatic re-enactors are, in fact, doing (well, simulating) the deed. Today’s edition of Violently Shaking Background Objects Used To Indicate Sexual Intercourse:
- An overhead Tiffany-style lamp
- The headboard
- An abstract wall painting
- A closet door
- An exterior patio door
- A vase of faux flowers
Gotta lock those doors, people. With that out of the way, it’s time to head down the path of gruesome genital injury!
After their morning romp, Amber heads into the kitchen to make some coffee. While waiting on the Keurig, she stumbles across a magazine article about “vajacials”, which is like a facial, but for your vagina! Amber, a DIY enthusiast, decides to look up the technique online and make her own vajacial treatment to give her basement a makeover.
The recipe calls for coconut oil, Vitamin E, honey, and egg whites. Amber, a lady who does not have coconut oil, spies a bottle of coconut-scented lotion and figures HEY CLOSE ENOUGH.
It is at this point, dear reader, that I crossed my legs and winced.
As everybody knows, the first step in a good vajacial is to steam the area. Amber is at first puzzled on how to accomplish this task, but quickly remembers that they have a camping stove out in the garage. She grabs a stock pot off of the dish drying rack and gets to work.
It’s just like being in a spa!
While her snizz is steaming, Josh walks in and catches her in the act. Flustered and embarrassed, she explains what she’s doing and Josh quickly offers “to be her vajacialist” and starts mixing up the recipe in a bowl. Our newly-certified vajacialist begins applying the coconut concoction and all is well and good for a couple of minutes. And then the temperature starts to rise south of the border. Very quickly. An attempt to extinguish the fire with the sprayer hose from the kitchen sink only fans the flames.
Howling in pain, Amber asks Josh to take a peek under the robe. What’s your professional opinion on the matter, Certified Vajacialist Josh?
They rush to the ER and after many discussions with the doctor and a couple of failed treatments to rule out a steam burn or an allergic reaction to the lotion, the doctor decides to start back from the beginning to make sure they’ve covered every option.
Doctor: I think you should tell the story one more time. At this point, any new detail could help.
Amber: I got the idea from a magazine. I got the stove, I boiled the water, I crouched, he mixed the ingredients in a bowl from the drying rack. And then he…
<camera pans to Josh having a sudden realization>
OH GOD JOSH WHAT DID YOU DO.
Josh: Um. I have to tell you something…and you’re not gonna like it.
Josh: [voice an octave higher than normal] So you know how I always make chili for Potluck Fridays at work?
Amber: Oh no. Where is this going?
(I think it’s going straight to your vajeen, ma’am.)
Josh: …I used habanero peppers…
Josh: …they were in your vajacial bowl. Which I might not have washed all that well…
Amber: WHAT was it doing in the drying rack then?
Josh: I was watching the game, not paying attention!
Doctor: This is great news!
Amber: What, that I married an idiot?!
(No, that’s probably the bad news.)
The doctor explains in a doctorly manner that the capsaicin molecules from the peppers are not water-soluble and thus remained in the bowl after Josh merely rinsed it out. And not only did they remain in the bowl to be mixed into the vajacial treatment, they were further spread around Amber’s “Lady Jane” as she tried to hose off the mixture with water, which only made the problem worse.
Josh: So we’re BOTH to blame!
Amber: /somehow manages to not kill her husband
Doctor: /orders all of the milk from the hospital cafeteria
One milk bath later, Amber is back to normal and a lot of lessons have been learned. Namely that you should leave the vajacials to the professionals, or at least to a clean bowl.
Sex Sent Me To The ER airs Saturdays at 10/9C on TLC.