I’m going to assume since you’re here that you know the deal with the show, so here’s how this here blog is going to work. If you don’t there are a lot of ways to get prepped on this year’s cast, but this is your most thorough.

IRL, I watch the show with my mom and my fiancée. We each get a team that we keep track of that is determined by the order in which the lovely ladies exit their limousines. Once we have our teams we root like hell for our ladies (or sometimes against, it can’t be helped), we yell at each other during every Rose Ceremony, and generally make snide remarks at every opportunity possible.

Before we get to the ladies, let’s talk about the Bachelor: Ben Higgins. If you’re thinking “that guy sounds like scrambled egg-whites with a splash of one-percent milk” well you have a keen ear for names. Ben H., as his non-affectionately known in the Bachelor universe was the third runner-up in last season’s Bachelorette (Kaitlyn Something). He is the latest in a line of increasingly boring Bachelors, as ABC seeks to appeal to everyone by finding bachelors who offend no one (except those with a penchant for flavor).

Ben gets to bro down with three previous bachelors (Jason, Sean, Chris), which is when we notice how tiny Jason is. They offer generic advice which is fitting because they’re exceedingly generic people. Most of their advice involves making the prospective women on the show sound like a herd of animals that you might be unfamiliar with. Lots of “just make sure they’re comfortable. You want to put them at ease, be yourself,” etc.

The order this year: Fiancée, Mom, Me (Craig). Which each contestant I will recount what their shtick was upon exiting the limo, and what their parting words were for Ben upon executing said shtick. We’ll tackle my team first.

Team Me (Craig)

Jennifer (Small Business Owner): 

Shtick – Forgot to tell him her name.
Parting Words – “You’ll remember my name inside?”

Comment: See above re: forgetting things. This wasn’t a strong recovery though. Gotta be able to think on your feet.

Jubilee (War Veteran): 

Shtick – Bad pickup lines.
Parting Words – “I’ll give you some more pickup lines if you want”

Comment: Jubilee forgot all the pickup lines she was waiting to drop on Ben H. but her earnestness in telling Ben gave him the opportunity to calm her nerves (something he was good at throughout the night). When he invited her to dazzle him with one, she was able to scrounge something up but…it wasn’t the showstopper she might have hoped for.

Lauren R. (Math Teacher): 

Shtick – Stalked Ben on social media. Didn’t say her name.
Parting Words – “I have something to show you later”

Comment: There aren’t a ton of hard and fast rules when it comes to your entrance on The Bachelor but saying your name at some point throughout your intro is generally considered a best practice.

Joelle “Jojo” (Real Estate Developer): 

Shtick – Unicorn head. (???)

Comment: When you look kind of like Isla Fisher, showing up with a unicorn mask thing isn’t exactly a great play, but miraculously, in the world of The Bachelor, it’s not a damning offense either.

Mandi (Dentist):

Shtick – Batshit insane (bad rose hat).
Parting Words – “If things go right tonight you can pollinate it later.”

Comment: [Afraid to speak]

Maegan (Cowgirl):

Shtick – The Bad Name (arriving with a g-d minihorse).
Parting Words – “I hope he doesn’t pee on the carpet.”

Comment: I gotta tell you, prior to her parting words, Maegan was overcoming some long fucking odds. A couple lessons here: If you bring an animal, do not bring it inside. Also, don’t mention whether it might poop or pee.

Rachel (Unemployed): 

Shtick – Arrived on the increasingly frequently banned hoverboard.

Comment: Fucking millenials.

Lauren “LB” (Fashion Buyer): 

Shtick – Being normal.

Comment: When everyone is trying to be special, being a breath of fresh air is a positive. Only other thing she could have done is not be named Lauren.

Becca (Virgin): 

Shtick – On last year’s bachelor, late arrival.

Comment: Becca is cute and has the KQA (Known-Quantity Advantage), but is also a Known Virgin. The latter quality typically ensures a mid-round elimination, as the Bachelor/ette begins to get uncomfortable with What It All Means.

Team Fiancée

Lauren B. (Flight Attendant):

Shtick – Gave Ben a pair of wings (like the ones you give kids on a flight).
Parting Words – “I can’t wait to ‘take off’ on this journey together.”

Comment: Puns aren’t cute when you don’t know each other.

Jami (Bartender): 

Shtick – Being Canadian.
Parting Words – “I know Kaitlyn. She told me you have a really, really, really big…heart.”

Comment: “I know the woman who dumped you most recently, that won’t be awkward if we end up together.”

Amanda (Esthetician): 

Shtick – I’m excited it’s you.

Comment: Fine, I guess.

Shushanna (Mathematician): 

Shtick – Foreign language (Russian?)

Comment: Oy.

Lauren H. (Kindergarten Teacher): 

Shtick – Tossed Ben a bouquet she caught at a wedding last week.

Comment: Whatever you think is “cutesie” is actually laying it on too think.

Emily (Twins): 

Shtick – Being a twin.

Comment: Bringing a duplicate isn’t exactly the strongest play.

Breanne (Nutritional Therapist): 

Shtick – Breaking bread. Literally.
Parting Words – “Gluten is the devil.”

Comment: Shoulda checked with the social media stalker to see if Ben liked gluten, dum-dum.

Jessica (Accountant): 

Shtick – Hug.
Parting Words – “Luckiest girl in the world to be here with you.”

Comment: They’re so boringly perfect for each other. This just might work.

Jackie (Gerontologist): 

Shtick – She brought him a Save The Date.
Parting Words – “You might need this later.”

Comment: See: Lauren H. re: cutesie.

Amber (Previous Contestant): 

Shtick – On last year’s bachelor, late arrival.

Comment: Being a known entity is a strong move. More ladies should try it.

Team Mom

Caila (Software Sales Rep): 

Shtick – Ran and jumped into Ben’s arms.
Parting Words – “Thanks for catching me, can’t wait to catch up inside.”

Comment: Fortune favors the bold, it seems. This is a forward gambit, but Ben liked it. Needs to spell her name better to advance.

Samantha (Attorney):

Shtick – Boxers or Legal Briefs?

Comment: Puns Aren’t Cute When You Don’t Know Each Other.

Lace (Real Estate Agent):

Shtick – Told Ben to close eyes, stole first kiss.

Comment: This is the perfect level of cutesie. It’s a simple, yet elegant maneuver. Stealing a kiss is playful, but also gives you a (brief) advantage mental advantage over all the other ladies if you choose to tell them. Or just have a secret between you and The Batch, which is also a plus. Would be a great look on someone who doesn’t get sloshed.

At least she summed up The Bachelor in one sentence:

Leah (Event Planner): 

Shtick – Hiked football to Ben.
Parting Words – “I knew you were a catch.”

Comment: Pluses: Show an interest in sports (if he’s a sporty guy), show him your butt. Minuses: PUNS AREN’T CUTE IF YOU DON’T KNOW EACH OTHER.

Laura (Account Executive): 

Shtick – Nicknamed Red Velvet.

Comment: Good nickname.

Haley (Twins): 

Shtick – Being a twin.

Comment: Bringing a duplicate isn’t exactly the strongest play.

Isabel “Izzy” (Graphic Designer): 

Shtick – Wore a onesie.
Parting Words – “Had to find out if you were the onesie for me.”

Comment: We are all Jubilee.

Tiara (Chicken Enthusiast): 

Shtick – Not letting the crazy chicken-lady out.

Comment: When you’re a self-described chicken enthusiast, it’s an exceedingly strong play to come out and act like a normal.

Olivia (News Anchor): 

Shtick – Dimples (she has one, he has none).
Parting Words – “I Forgot what I was gonna say.”

Comment: The lights are bright and many a contestant has lost their train of thought, so it’s not a disaster to forget what you’re gonna say. Recovering with the dimple thing was solid, though she was a little too insistent on checking his face for some. Still, flashing a smile and making sure you get eye contact is always a good move.

Superlatives:

Most likely to cry in a hot tub: Rachel. Unemployed and sad in a hot tub is no way to go through life Lauren Rachel.

Most likely to be Ashley S.: Mandi not even a contest.

Most likely to have a man (or woman) back home: Olivia.

Most likely to secretly be Isla Fisher: Joelle (Jojo)

Most likely to get the villain edit: Lace.

Most likely to be a virgin: The obvious answer is Becca but…I’ll say Shushannah because she’s out here speaking only Russian and is from Utah.

Most likely to accuse someone of being there for the wrong reasons: Samantha.

Most likely to have a cool nickname: Red Velvet.

Most likely to skinny dip: Jennifer, because:

Most likely to be unable to handle the pressure: Caila. Poor spelling implies weakness.

Most likely to need Chris Harrison: Ben H.

Most likely to secretly have a child (that we don’t know about yet): Maegan. Can’t put anything past a someone with a name like this.

Most likely to be a child: Amanda. The voice is haunting.

Most likely to break out a selfie stick: Haley/Emily.

First Impression Rose: Olivia
Eliminated: Breanne, Jessica, Isabel (Izzy), Tiara, Maegan, Lauren R., Laura (Red Velvet)

Next Week: We’re going to have to get into Chris Harrison at some point, but probably not before discussing what the fuck is up with Ben’s weird fade haircut.

Have a good week everyone.

All images/GIFs courtesy ABC