When it comes to The Bachelor, part of navigating the minefield of Lovely Ladies™ is recognizing and accurately diagnosing the types of crazy that you’re dealing with. Whether that’s so you can lean into the crazy and embrace the conniver of your dreams (Ben F.) or just to sidestep the the woman who decided to wear a rose as a hat on the first night (good job Ben H.!), it’s necessary and important step.

To that end, we here at We Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends are pleased to offer good ol’ B³ (Boring Bachelor Ben) a guide to some of the warning signs that some of the contestants are exhibiting in the early going.

Crazy Insecure

Enter: Lace.

She let the cat out of the bag in episode one when she went at Ben post-rose ceremony for not making enough eye contact with her. Still, she was under the influence and perhaps could demonstrate a little more self-control when she hasn’t imbibed so much vinoooooh no.

This is just who she is. Look, we can feel for Lace… this is why she’s here after all, but her narcissism has blinded her to the fact that there are 20-something other women in the hunt and she’s not going to have this dude to herself.

Lace is so insecure that she feels the need to prove how crazy she isn’t which only reinforces that homegirl is cray cray.

Group Date No. 1 – Back to School

Let’s see what the milquetoast master has cooked up for his first group d-oh it’s taking a bunch of women to an empty high school. Great, this is Not At All Creepy We Swear. Also the winner will be Ben’s “Homecoming Queen” which is great because now we get to find out a) who will be reliving their glory days and b) who has since broken free from their high-school chrysalis.

HOOOoooo doggy. There is a lot to unpack in this little snippet. Rather than do that, let’s just get to some thinly veiled entendres, shall we?

During the science portion of the date we were treated to:

“The first four teams to make Ben’s volcano explode” from Chris Harrison, which, if we’re going to dabble in entendres, is not who I want to be making them.

Lace makes an enemy out of Jubilee with her stupidity.

Breathe through the hate, Jubilee, breathe through the hate.

Next up is lunch (?) and this involves the ladies bobbing for apples then transferring it to a tray because that always happened at school:

Ben is into watching teammates transfer the apples using only their mouths and this continues to be Not Creepy.

Oh.

After thoroughly exercising their mouths, our students move on to Geography, every American’s forte! Here they are asked to place a cutout of Indiana on a blank outline of the United States.

Things Jojo is good at: Looking like Isla Fisher
Things Jojo isn’t good at: Placing Indiana on a map

Next up, Gym for a little basketball action because I don’t know if you’re aware of this but Ben is from Indiana and there’s nothing to do there but grow bad mustaches and play basketball.

Team Mamber (Mandi/Amber) win in a dramatic free-throw off that you’ve just go to see to bel-ok I can’t do this, everyone was real bad and we’re lucky they’re not still shooting.

After the last team won, they pit them against each other because there can’t be TWO homecoming queens*. They settle this on the track, where Mandi squares off against Amber in a hurdles race. Mandi crushes Amber wearing as much shoes as sanity (none).

*Looks like someone has never seen/been moved to tears by Mean Girls

Post-Bachelor school, they get to the actual date portion of the evening. Ben is wearing a gray plaid which proves that even when he tries to get weird it’s boring. Jennifer -who you might remember as that girl you don’t remember – receives the first makeout of the evening and she immediately spills the beans when she gets back to the group, which doesn’t bother Lace at all not one bit why are you even asking? She’s not mad, actually she thinks it’s funny. Lace has never been mad on television.

Jubilee was an orphan who was adopted and then joined the military and I think it’s clear that she is objectively The Best One, which raises the question of what the hell she is even doing here.

Jubilee keeps calling Lace “Lacey” and I think it might be on purpose to drive her even more insane and it’s 100% working.

Ben lures invites Jojo up to the helipad of wherever the fuck they are and that lands him a smooch or three. He loves her bubbly attitude and her inability to identify Indiana on a map. He later called this her “ability to express herself.”

Back at the House

You might think from the reaction below that Olivia received the one-on-one date, because she physically unhinged her jaw in joy but…

…no, it was Caila. You might be thinking “good job, Ben! You dodged an open-mouthed bullet in the form of Olivia” until you remember Caila broke up with her boyfriend when she saw Ben was the bachelor because she’s a secret psycho. Which brings us to our second kind of crazy:

The Secret Psycho

First, I want to make it clear that being crazy doesn’t preclude a contestant from winning – it just depends on the proclivities of The Bachelor/ette at the time. Caila reminds me a bit of Catherine from a few seasons ago who married Sean Lowe, in that she has a traditionally upbeat demeanor…

…but beneath that small frame and big smile lurks the intensity of someone who makes a lot of candles in their spare time.

One-on-One Date

Guess what!?!? Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are here to stretch the latter’s 15 minutes of fame into its second hour. Wake me up when Kevtember ends, please.

“She looks good in the front seat” – Ben on Caila. It’s not at all clear what this means but it sounds like a Canadian compliment.

Someone, I don’t know, probably one of the Laurens, keeps talking in her baby voice and it’s freaking me out. Update: It was Amanda.

The “Ben feels unlovable” theme rears its lame-ass head. The thing about this isn’t that he’s unlovable, it’s that he’s not special – which is okay! Most of us aren’t. But he’s got nothing going on beyond generic looks, and the reason people walk away from that eventually is that it doesn’t cut the mustard. They want some flavor, and Ben is more of a palate-cleanser than anything you really want to dig into.

HOT DAMN IT’S A PRIVATE CONCERT, THESE ARE NEVER AWKWARD AT ALLLLLLL. It’s even better because Ben is all about this musician and he doesn’t even care about this date right now he just wants to look at his hipster doofus music idol. He starts to sing along which is normally fine BUT THERE IS ONLY TWO OF THEM so it’s actually a little unpleasant. Caila refers to hell as “you know where” so she’s probably perfect for Ben, who is the equivalent of lite mayo.

Group Date No.2 – The Science of Love

Ben’s second group outing is about determining which Lovely Lady™ on the date is a match for him through the magic of science. Read: he wants to sniff some sweaty women.

This is going to shock you, but neither of the people with occupation “twins” knows much about science.

I legitimately continue to think Olivia In Makeup and Olivia Sans Makeup are different people.

Ben is wearing a jacket made of sweatshirt material over a sweatshirt on a date where the women are wearing evening-wear and this is probably my favorite thing about him. He’s literally wearing a hoodie.

Olivia is everything Lace wants to be. She’s conniving, a total bitch, and has Ben’s eye. Also she’s hiding her crazy in the black hole that is her mouth. This brings us to our third, most dangerous kind of crazy:

Courtney Crazy

If you don’t remember or didn’t watch Ben Flajnik’s season, Courtney was a model who intimidated Ben with her good looks, knew it, and took advantage of it. She went skinny dipping (or close to it) in the ocean with him, and consistently managed to piss off the other girls by flaunting her superior connection with him. This appears to be the blueprint that Olivia has chosen to follow. Not only has she garnered two roses (first impression, Group Date 2) but she has no issue reminding the girls that she’s done so, essentially diminishing their relationships with Ben H. in the process. This is a tricky plan to follow because if The Bachelor/ette buys into keeping everyone happy, then it puts the perpetrator on the outside looking in. If The Bachelor/ette is smitten though, s/he’ll see it as jealousy that can be resolved eventually. Ultimately, this angle requires a devotion to winning more than it does a devotion to the person whose heart you’re trying to win, and that’s why it’s insane.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail

Olivia is getting a bad rap

because she is spending time with Ben despite already having time with him earlier, and I get why the women hate it but y’all are here for the same dude, I really don’t get the impetus behind getting mad at someone trying to win (unless, as above it’s trying to win for winning’s sake).

Of course Olivia doesn’t help her situation in the house by declaring that now that she’s done, everyone else can go for it.

Lace legitimately describes pictures of herself to Ben because she doesn’t understand how to have a casual conversation with another human.

Ben made Lauren B. an index card of them on their “first date” (they were sitting on a couch).

He wanted to make Lauren B. feel special. You know, after he invited her to pursue him along with 25 other women. Still – one gets the sense Lauren B. has longevity in this game.

Ben does have some legitimate sweet moments where he connects with Lauren H. (gives her a first place ribbon for the science part of the date) and where he builds barrettes with Amanda for her two daughters.

LB (not Lauren B.) commits Bachelor-Seppuku at the Rose Ceremony by receiving a rose, then honorably ending her run by removing herself from the (reality tv) world.

Bachelor Box Score

Date Roses: Jojo, Olivia, Caila
Makeouts: Jennifer, JoJo, Olivia, Jubilee,
Eliminated: Mandi, Jackie, LB (self-elimination), Samantha

All images/GIFs courtesy ABC