We’re baaaaaaaaaaa [jaw opens as wide as possible] aaaaaaaaaaaaaa [somehow gets wider] aaaaaaaaa [okay seriously how] aaaaack!

We’re going to try and do things a little differently this time around because the recaps for The Bachelor were a little time/gif intensive, and frankly y’all watched the damn thing anyway, so I wasn’t helping. I’ll highlight my major takeaways from each episode, with the caveat being that they’re coming in the form of False Flags because I’m nine years behind on irony and the internet.

FALSE FLAG #1: JoJo’s Small Council

First of all, no one was evening wearing a broach that identified them as Hand of the Bachelorette, but we’ll have to assume it was Ali because she is both the longest-tenured Bachelorette of the three women (Kaitlyn, Ali, Desiree),she’s thus far, the most successful of the three (engaged (married?), obviously pregs), and she’s the shortest one making her the most Tyrion-like.

This is mostly a false flag though because while the world of The Bachelor/ette is as underhanded, incestuous, and duplicitous as Game of Thrones is, there’s no way that JoJo selected these three women to give her guidance, because if she did, she deserved the advice she got which was “go with your gut” and “definitely kiss someone if you’re feeling it.” This isn’t bad advice so much as it is not helpful given her natural inclinations:

FALSE FLAG #2: Jordan Rodgers

Aaron’s brother is obviously a strong candidate going forward, but don’t get swayed by the First Impression Rose winners. Remember, last year’s was Olivia and she, as was so aptly noted by a contestant, was left on an island.

Jo-Rod is pretty smooth in an accessible way, gotta give him that though. He was the first guy out of the limo and he was both sweet (asked how she was feeling rather than merely noting she looked good), and had a memorable tidbit without being corny (his parents got married after just a few months, are still married). Then he did the thing where they had a connection but needed a second moment alone before the kiss. This is crucial because he both got a kiss on the first night, but also showed some restraint/nerves that lets JoJo know he’s not a straight up player. Needs to do something about his hair, but it seems like other things are on point:

All these good things make me think Jordan might be a distraction. Presenting a strong wire-to-wire candidate makes stuff get old fast. There’s something there certainly, but Jordan has all the look of a pace horse who is going to see some competition in week three or four and play the “I have a famous brother card” and make things get weird. I hope not, though, he seems nice.

FALSE FLAG #3: Saint Nick

There is no way in god damn hell that JoJo picks the dude who arrived dressed as Santa and stayed in costume the entire evening. I don’t care if they had an engrossing conversation about the Age of Enlightenment, make the (bad) joke, and then take off the outfit to reveal you in a suit, bro. This is a producer-driven selection all the way.

FALSE FLAG #4: Dammit, Daniel.

There are a lot of ways to attempt to describe Daniel. Canadian. Muscular version of the popular myth Slender Man. Dracula’s half-nephew. None of those words evoke charm, and that’s because, along with pigment, charm is something Daniel lacks. He’s not only judging of others, but has a weirdly long torso, got sloshed, jumped in the pool, and poked other contestants in the belly button repeatedly. He hugged JoJo three times during their awkward meeting when he got out of the limo, and made a bad, dated reference of a meme (an internet fad, mom) that winked in and out of existence faster than you can say Tim Hortons. He also said “Have you been following the internet for the last couple of months?” and his tie didn’t make it to his belly button.

This is a man who should not have received a second of her time much less a rose. Producer pick all the way. He’s this season’s Mandi:

FALSE FLAG #5: Chad

Chad is clearly getting the villain edit based on his confessionals. He also got JoJo saying “there’s something about Chad I just can’t pinpoint, and it’s sexy, I like the mysteriousness,” which means he’s sticking around for like six weeks, creating some bonding between the other bros before ultimately being revealed and getting an unceremonious boot. He’s essentially Olivia, but he didn’t get the First Impression Rose.

Chad looks and acts like an investment banker but is a former marine (not the only one on the show), and I think there miiiiiiight be something deeper there. Slim chance he’s not as much of an ass as he comes across here, and the editors are playing us. Probably not though.

FALSE FLAG #6: JAKE FUCKING PAVELKA

This is an actual, literal false flag. Homeboy shows up during the Rose Ceremony and then just wants to give her advice?! Fucking advice?! From the guy who picked no one, and then got a second season where he picked someone and it didn’t work out? COME ON!

 

Box Score:

Early Favorites: Jordan, Wells, Guitar James, Luke
Sleepers: Ali
Villain(s): Chad, Daniel, Robby
Eliminated: Coley (too much face), Jake, Peter, Jonathan, Nick S., Sal
Parting Shot: “There’s a lot of hair gel and a lot of cologne going on.”

All images courtesy ABC unless noted otherwise