Getting crushed on National Television. Ultimately that’s what this is about. We’ve seen it happen to Nick two times on The Bachelorette, before a redemptive stint on Bachelor in Paradise, that somehow ended up with him dumping Jennifer. This earned him the hearts of America? Well, we’re a fickle, dumb group of people and we deserve the person we get based on our fickle, dumb interests. That person is Nick Viall and he is here to make us happy.

God. Dammit. Not like that.

Bachelor Bros

Okay so let’s check in with former Bachelors Blahn, Bland, and Blegh Sean, Ben, and Chris! They are pasty! I bet they love them some Nick, though. Here to get us fired up about a season of Nick!

[RUNS THROUGH A WALL]

Here we are reminded: Sean hasn’t been outside since 1992, Chris Soles laughs like a dolphin (this is what’s called foreshadowing), and Ben Higgins probably wrinkles his nose when people suggest food that isn’t beige.

Nick shares that despite the two very public dumpings, he wouldn’t change anything because he’s learned a lot about himself. He’s also learned that he can avoid real work for like four years of his life and get paid to be on television. Tough lessons all around.

Last year we went through each of the women’s entrances and their little tag lines. This year didn’t feature as many fun entrances, so we’re going to skip that and just jump around, highlighting the more interesting aspects of the episode.

Takeaways

♥ There are a lot of businesswomen on this season, which is pretty cool. Obviously some of that is aided in that they can potentially set their own schedules, and while there is the standard allotment of nurses (and that ilk), it’s cool to see some relative diversity among professions.

♥ One of those businesswomen is Corinne who is already The Living Worst. She’s quite obviously getting the bitch edit this season (Shades of Olivia), and she most definitely deserves it.

♥ It’s a really weird plan of attack to be all “we’ve slept together but I’m not going to even remind you we’ve met.” I don’t know exactly what is gained by the plan. It feels like an attempt at intrigue, but also he asked for your number and you declined and now you’re pursuing him along with 29 other women? This is the worst game of hard to get I’ve ever seen.

♥ WHY IS THE DRIVEWAY ALWAYS WET? WHAT IS THE STORY THERE?

♥ Elizabeth wore a wedding dress and it is fucked up. I don’t care what anyone says.

♥ Literally everyone else wore red.

♥ Christen’s name is still spelled wrong, she just told Nick he was a celebrity, and I’m 99% sure her perfume was called “desperation.” Taylor lived up to Seattle’s reputation by raining all over her own entrance. Kudos there. Michelle literally made a lemons -> lemonade joke. Joke? Idk.

♥ The only good entrances were the runner-up joke (Sarah), and Jasmine G.’s Neil Lane inclusion. It’s the only time I haven’t begun screaming the second I saw Neil Lane. Oh yeah, and the maple syrup one (Danielle M.).

♥ This is a group of very sex-forward/confident ladies. Will that turn out poorly down the line???

Nah, it’ll be fine.

♥ Alexis. Oh dear. Even her family is tired of her. She doesn’t know how to pronounce Secaucus (she is from Secaucus). She doesn’t know the difference between a shark and a dolphin (she is an aspiring dolphin trainer).

♥ If someone ever asks this:

You NEVER say yes. Never. That’s literally rule no. 1.

This is fucking amateur hour.

♥ There was a camel/humping joke. She (Lacey) made it several times, I assume because she thought he didn’t get it.

The Party

♥ Rachel and Nick hit it off pretty good. Probably because she’s only five years younger than him but also vastly more accomplished. Oh also they both have big families or some shit. They compete over who has more cousins (this isn’t a contest so much as an exchange of facts.)

♥ Ugh Christen is back and her dress sucks. Yellow ain’t working, y’all. Just stop. Also ballroom dancing is a weak move. No, YOU’RE bitter you got this question wrong in the fantasy league. Tired of Christen. Get out of here Christen.

♥ Hailey is going full Lace, and not in any kind of good way.

♥ Here’s something that will make everything worse: as you continue to hear Corinne’s voice, it will slowly sound more and more nasal and grating, adding a special extra oomph to her brand of awful. I feel like we have this talk every year, but the other contestants need to get over the ones who swoop in with multiple “can I steal Nicks” and whatnot. This. Is. A. Game. Corinne is awful, but not because she plays an aggressive game. It’s more the vocal fry (or whatever it is), the assumption that someone has a trainwreck of a body because they wore a shark costume, that she has a nanny at the age of 24, that she calls her nanny a nanny rather than a personal assistant or something I mean seriously how do you say you have a nanny at 24?????

♥ Okay, in other things that you won’t believe people would say on a show about how they’re attempting to attain love:

That…you’re…glad?…no, no, that’s a fib. I’m calling it. It’s a fib. Speaking of fibs!

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE HERE. I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Box Score

First Impression Rose

Rachel

Smooches

Corinne, Rachel (cheek)

Going Home

Briana, Olivia, Jasmine B., Lauren, Angela, Ida Marie, Susannah, Michelle

A Parting Screengrab

I think The Platinum Vagine in the sequel to The Golden Compass. See ya next week!