The Bachelor has started doing this thing in recent seasons where they don’t have a rose ceremony in an episode and then cram two into the following one. While I can appreciate playing with the format, the elongated storylines that come about as a result are just brutal and unnecessary. If there’s so much going on that you couldn’t get to a rose ceremony…fine, but that’s rarely the case, and it definitely wasn’t this week where only three women mattered. This brings us to…

Lizzzzzzzzzz

Okay so first and foremost, while it would make sense to have some Les Miserables throughline due to the title of this piece, I am not nearly an expert enough having only seen the movie and never the play. That said, this Liz-focused episode was about as enjoyable as Russell Crowe singing.

The second half of the episode really ramped up the Liz coverage and unearthed a vital truth that was actually revealed immediately when the show began: Liz met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and they high-tailed it to the Bone Zone. True story that you might not have picked up on. Was played v subtly by the producers/Liz in the same way that 21 Pilots is played subtly by radio stations.

So, since we’re dealing with this, let’s break down Liz’s entire… thing.

♥ She and Nick had a one night, wedding-fueled romp that included awkward sex and awkward talk. Nick then asked for her number and she declined for… reasons, only to follow through on so many exasperated parents’ threats and TURN THIS CAR AROUND, so she could pursue Nick on a show with 29 other women (more on that later).

♥ Her stated reason for not accepting Nick’s number is that she thought he was doing it just because it was the right thing to do and not because he actually was into her. He was just being a stand up guy, but not like, a real stand up guy, or something. Also, they didn’t even know each other (this was a real reason, I swear).

♥ But that reasoning doesn’t hold up to any sort of scrutiny. First of all, you can doubt his sincerity, but his other option was not asking for it at all…which wouldn’t have been any better. Secondly, you know how you get to know someone? Probably through a series of meetups and maybe even dates, in private, and not on television, while 28 other women are trying to get to know him and one other woman is making a furious attempt to bone him in front of both you and the aforementioned women and cameras.

♥ Somehow we’re into our fourth heart/bulletpoint before getting to the part where LIZ LITERALLY TOLD THEIR WEIRD STORY DURING A “FAKE” BREAK UP WITHOUT TALKING TO NICK ABOUT IT AHEAD OF TIME. I screamed “who did this fam” at my television the entire time it was happening.

♥ A jewish kid screaming “who did this fam” at his TV long after the phrase has lost cultural relevance while also not being the right phrase for the situation was infinitely more interesting/reasonable than the situation at hand.

♥ I can’t with this storyline anymore. Neither could Nick.

♥ The hands down best part of the second group date occurs while Liz was busy not finishing sentences or making sense talking to Nick. Here goes:

Christen: I think that Liz and Nick are having a conversation right now about some things that they needed to talk about.
Astrid: Okay that sounds non-specific, let’s specify. If you could be more specific I think that’d help all of us.
Christen: It’ll be specified very soon I think. It’s not my relationship, it’s not my business to tell, really.
Astrid: Okay, well I’ll just ponder on that and try to figure that out later.

Corinnecible

This woman-child is a fucking nightmare. She might also be constantly drunk. Maybe that’s her secret. She’s always drunk.

Anyway, the ladies drive themselves (???) from the Bachelor mansion to some other mansion for a wedding photoshoot as the show takes transparency to a new level. The photog was some dude dressed like this:

This dude looks like Schwartz from Vanderpump Rules with a bad mustache. He looks like he’s auditioning for a pilot that combined Reno 911 with That 70’s Show. He looks like…fuck, idk. Dave Franco?

Corinne meanwhile is flaunting the fact that she kissed Nick in front of Rachel, who is taking it personally, which she shouldn’t because Corinne doesn’t give a single solitary shit about anyone who isn’t Corinne. That isn’t quite true, I guess, since she saw Brittany sporting the “Eve” costume that was more revealing than her bikini outfit, and threatened to go Bad Girls Club if she didn’t get enough attention:

♥ Poor Alexis still can’t pronounce Secaucus. She is still from there. She was a good sport as she was saddled with the shotgun wedding outfit, and overall this was a good ep for her.

♥ Lots of ladies took this “bridal” opportunity to get their kisses in. Honestly this date was so boring we cut back to Liz, who met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and slept with him nine months ago.

♥ Corinne took Nick’s shirt off, then her top off in front of him as she was desperate to be the center of attention after maybe two seconds of Brittany stealing her spotlight.

“I’m just more sex appeal.” Mhmm.

♥ Corinne somehow won this “contest” but that’s because Paul Rudd Impersonating A French Dude has some weird interpretation of chemistry.

♥ Corinne also parlayed getting tanked, interrupting Nick with other women like three times, and a failed attempt at an Any Given Sunday style pep talk into a rose and how the hell did this happ-

Oh right okay. Nick’s a dog.

Here’s the thing: Nick messed up, politically. He rewarded the most sexually brazen woman on the show, causing (reasonably), all the other women to think that’s what he’s in it for, and that’s what he’s all about. There’s nothing wrong with sexual aggressiveness, but for a guy who entered the show with a rep and who opened the episode being thankful that these ladies were interested in him despite his history…I mean…you tell me.

♥ I’m going to double down on my prediction that Corinne is off this show by week 5. Her voice continues to suck.

Danielle Mmmmwhatelseison

THIS DATE WAS ENTIRELY BORING.

♥ Danielle M. revealed that she was previously engaged and that her fiance overdosed on drugs and she found him. Nick’s reaction was something like “oh that’s okay” or something. Which brings to mind a bigger issue:

Nick sucks at talking. These are the most superficial conversations I’ve ever witnessed in my life and I have watched a friend* compliment a cat on its beauty for three consecutive minutes. His conversations are as intellectually stimulating as a Marmaduke cartoon. This guy is the Family Circus of communication. Specifically Jeffy.

*Okay it was me. I did it and I stand by it. It was a beautiful cat.

♥ Oh, and one more thing on Corinne (that’s how boring this date was): You can almost defend her style of play because she is right in that this is a contest and she’s the only way really playing to win, except she then got hung up on etiquette after Taylor interrupted Corinne’s interruption of Taylor, which was Corinne’s fourth time talking to Nick. I have a migraine.

Box Score

Date Roses

Corinne, Danielle M.

Smooches

Corinne, Taylor, idk basically everyone on that wedding date

Going Home

Liz, who met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and they hooked up but she didn’t give him her number.

A Parting GIF/Tweet Combo