ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Bachstreet’s Back

This week was a doozy. [Stefon voice] It. Had. Everything. A bounce house, fake space, vomit-kissing, a slowtunda…

wait…wait…what is a slowtunda

oh you know…it’s that thing when you’ve won a dance competition at a staged concert and the Backstreet Boys serenade you a capella as you do the worst slow dance of all time…

Corinnetimidation

Corinne continued her reign of second-hand embarrassment terror by putting on a trench coat that didn’t even appear to be trench coat material…

…and saying things like “turn on the sex charm.”

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Last week I referred to Corinne as a woman-child and this week did nothing to change that designation. Here is a non-comprehensive list of things she has said that might better be attributed to a child poorly reenacting their horny (and hungry) older sibling’s proclamations:

♥ I’m just more sex appeal

♥ My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum

♥ My sex abilities

♥ Cheese pasta (Mac and Cheese????)

♥ I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm

But legitimately, Corinne’s big plan was wearing underwear under a trench coat and then putting whipped cream on her boob and making Nick lick it off. Because she has a 13-year-old boy who recently saw Varsity Blues’ concept of sensuality. This little episode led to some women crying over Nick’s behavior with Corinne and also Corinne having a meltdown about her plan not working. I’m not sure if the plan was for Nick to grope her in front of the mansion and all the other women but I guess she made that happen on a group date, so weirder things have happened.

She also threw a fit when she found out that someone else “had intercourse” with Nick before she did, even though it wasn’t on the show (this is referring to Liz Who Met Nick At Jade And Tanner’s Wedding). And because other women who aren’t bad at dancing were recognized for being not bad at dancing during a date where it was especially crucial to be not bad at dancing.

Sidebar: I made the point in the first couple recaps that Corinne is at least playing the game. Her no-fucks-given attitude isn’t necessarily a strong play in the long run, but the other women complaining about etiquette isn’t going to hold up unless she messes up somewhere else along the line. We saw this work out well for Courtney in Ben F.’s season (also being a model). Problem is Corinne doesn’t really want to play the game either, and she’s messing up by exposing that she’s a spoiled brat who just does what she wants when she wants, and that so happened to align with an “aggressive strategy” in the early going. Sleeping through a Rose Ceremony and then the latter stages of a pool party (and part of a date) aren’t going to help her image as a spoiled brat, even to an otherwise mesmerized Nick Viall.

Oh yeah, Corinne slept through a Rose Ceremony, presumably being tuckered out from being Always Drunk. Also, she humped Nick in a bounce house while everyone else watched.

Bachstreet’s Back (Alright.)

Chris Harrison walks in with a date card and plays hype man, because this is actually maybe the best group date the Bachelor/ette franchise has ever concocted. Also Chris if you’re reading where are you getting those shirts! Help a brother out!

It’s the Backstreet Boys and not only are they back again, but they sing a capella for a bunch of women who only nominally know who they are and also Rachel and Danielle who are older and probably legit fangirling out (as I would). There’s no way 23-year-old Taylor gives a shit. Oh yeah, and also Jasmine unleashed a vicious own on Corinne:

jasmineown

We’re three weeks into the show and Corinne doesn’t know that Jasmine is a professional dancer. In a related story, Jasmine has a leg up in this date. Really everyone has a leg up because Corinne is true to her word when she says she can’t dance. On top of that:

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THE WORM HAS TURNED, CORINNE.

Danielle L. gets selected by the Backstreet Boys to dance in front of a crowd as they croon “I Want It That Way” a capella. It’s basically a dream scenario if that dream was a nightmare. On top of which, and this will come as a shock to nobody, Nick is a terrible dancer. Danielle and Nick share a kiss, prompting Corinne to declare this the worst day in her life. I mean…Raquel isn’t even her to slice her cucumbers!

Nick and Danielle recreate their bad slowdance as their alone on the group date, and he uses it as a pretense to put his hands all over her ass. Also, Nick appears (to me) to be a bad kisser, on top of continuing his epic run as a conversationalist like “okay” and “yeah?”

It is revealed during the first group date that Corinne has a nanny and she just get excoriated by Jasmine, except that Corinne is so into herself that she doesn’t realize how much of her ass she is showing. This could be because her dress is missing a significant amount of material and thus she was used to her ass showing.

Van(y)essa

Vanessa got a one-on-one and this was another fun as hell date. It wasn’t quite zero gravity but she basically got to be a pre-astronaut for a day, and she and Nick made out “in space.” She also threw up because the experience of being weightless will fuck you up. Nick impressed her by not being grossed out by her vomit, but also by kissing her post-vomit, which certainly was a decision he made. She was chewing gum by then but…still…maybe chill out, let a girl get her Scope on?

They followed up the fun portion of the date with a dinner atop the tallest building in LA. As they walked out, Nick barely uttered “this is the tallest building in LA.”

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Yeah…Vanessa…about that… Nick doesn’t have a “deeper.” This is just kinda it. He has the conversational range of a lamp.

While we’re on Vanessa, we’ll skip ahead to the part where she laid the smackdown on Nick, and his behavior with Corinne. Specifically, she said she didn’t take issue with Corinne’s forwardness, but that Nick was accepting it the way he was and questioned whether he was truly looking for love or just to get laid. Secure in already having a rose and her connection with Nick, Vanessa challenged him for the good of us all. I’m standing by my prediction that Corinne is off the show by week 5.

Nickathalon

Three poor Olympians get trotted out for this segment, and I feel like ABC put more money into this one episode of the Bachelor than they have before. This culminates in a race between Rachel, Astrid, and Alexis. Rachel wins but Astrid pick up the oversized engagement ring that Rachel dropped, and thus got into a hot tub that appeared out of nowhere.

Highlights:

♥ Alexis (Left Shark) owns Nick with a line about only receiving silver medals

♥ Astrid didn’t wear enough…umm…how did she put it? Support. She still crushed the javelin toss.

♥ Dominique had a meltdown about not getting enough attention, and ultimately was sent home after accusing Nick of not focusing on her while on a group date. This is never a good strategy.

♥ Seriously where did the hot tub come from though?

♥ Do we think Carl Lewis is doing okay? Why is he showing up on the Bachelor? He’s got to have better stuff to do.

♥ Alexis somehow got ahold of the high-jump poster of a shirtless Nick, laid it on the floor and then made out with Nick on top of it, cementing her legacy as the funniest Bachelorette in years. Very much looking forward to her replacing Carly as the greek chorus on Bachelor in Paradise.

Pool Party

alexishornygirls

Box Score

Date Roses

Danielle G., Vanessa, Rachel

Smooches

Corinne, Vanessa, Jasmine G., Alexis, Rachel,

Going Home

Hailey, Lacey, Elizabeth, Dominique

A Parting Gif

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