ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Farm to Cable

Episode 4 kicked off with a continuance of Nick getting correctly bitched out by everyone who isn’t Corinne, including The Grace of Gingham, Chris Harrison. We slid from Corinne continuing to suck out loud while people are trying to help her right into a Rose Ceremony that she’s barely awake for. Spoiler: she gets the last rose. This was a surprise to no one, of course, except perhaps one contestant who dropped a literal “oh my god” as she stepped forward to accept her rose.

screen-shot-2017-01-25-at-11-28-13-am

Milwaukzzzzz

Look, nothing against Milwaukee, but when Chris Harrison is like “you’re about to embark on a trip around the world” and then announces it starts in Milwaukee…this was not real excitement. It couldn’t be.

Nick meets all the ladies outside and immediately pisses most of them off by starting an impromptu one-on-one date in front of everybody and not via date card. He takes Danielle L. (the winner of the BSB group date “dance”) for a walk around Milwaukee. They stop into a bakery where they decorate some cookies in their own fashion (narcissistic much?). This is a pretense to awkwardly make a move on Danielle, and it works like a charm (as all his moves do).

We’ve noted how bad Nick is at conversing with people normally, but let’s also note that he basically doesn’t try. He did alright walking around town with Danielle, but when it comes to just sitting down and having a conversation, it’s clear that Nick is here to make out, optimally in the most awkward way possible. This might be why Corinne strikes such a chord with him. She has no social tact and thus is oblivious to his ineptitude in that area, and also only wants to make out with him, which is really what he wants.

Nick spies an ex of his in a shop window and instead of rolling by and saying nothing, he decides to bring her out on camera for sit-down talk with one of the 15 girls he’s currently dating. Casual.

There wasn’t a lot here except Danielle L. revealing her parents divorce affected her deeply, to which Nick basically just stared at her. Okay, okay fine, he looked a little emotional. Nick offers her the rose, and then takes her to a “bucket list” surprise. If you’re wondering what is on Nick’s bucket list, it is apparently a Chris Lane (???) concert. They have a little elevated platform for Nick and Danielle, and they get to reprise their lack of rhythm for yet another crowd. I think it’s unfair that they took a rhythmically challenged, conversationally inept man, and made him the bachelor. Not to him, to be clear, but to us.

‘Cause Baby Now We’ve Got Bad Blood

The group date is on a farm, and the ladies enter to Nick bottle-feeding a cowlet. Taylor says “this makes her heart happy” which made my gag reflex active. There is a Wisconsin farmer who introduces what this farm does (it’s a dairy farm) and he says “melk” like four times. Not to be confused with malk.

Nick tried to milk a cow and the farmer said unnervingly “I think some of the women are gonna have to show him how it’s done.” It was an uncomfortable moment for everyone, including Comet the cow. They also shovel shit (literally), disperse some hay, and other assorted farm chores. All of this is spliced in with Corinne looking sad, Corinne yelling “why,” Corinne saying she wouldn’t even have Raquel (her nanny) do this, looking sad off in a corner, and then saying she needs sushi. None of the ladies failed to notice her shitty (pun intended) behavior.

cowbullshit

As the date moves to a mansion in the evening, we get Corinne saying “poopy” about four times, reminding us that she is both incredibly immature and also constantly drunk.

The drunkness would at least partially explain why she tried to adapt the ol’ onion/layers saying to… uh… corn? I’ll let her explain because I can’t:

corinnecorn

Then Corinne kind of confronts the group on this date saying that she wants them to come to her when they have issues with her, rather than going behind her back. The group then confronts her with their issues and she compared herself to Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln (???)

corinnenaps

Again. Corinne is really just drunk all the time. It’s concerning frankly.

Taylor is the one that seems to have the biggest beef with Corinne, and she’s just about had it.

nochilltaylor

Of course, she isn’t the only one

corinnehungry

So these two duke it out with Corinne being literally the girl you wish you hadn’t talked to at a party.

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Ravenclaw

Nick takes Raven through his hometown (Waukesha) and asks her what she thinks they’re going to do today. She answers “baseball?” which, there’s no way she’d know what he had planned for her, but also her date card said like “kick it around” or something, so it definitely wasn’t baseball. We instead attend a soccer practice/game with Nick’s much younger sister, which is when we’re reminded that Nick is one of 11 kids. Raven gets to meet Nick’s parents, and his dad outed him as a suck up as a kid.

Nick, Raven, and his sister then go to a roller skating rink because it’s 19…56? I don’t know the last time this was popu-wait, they start playing Sixpence None The Richer as background music so it is clearly 1997.

At dinner we learn that Raven broke up with her most recent boyfriend because he cheated on her. She walked in on them mid-relations

ravenaffair

and then beat the boyfriend with the other woman’s stiletto. We also learn that Nick hasn’t cheated on anyone ever before and that Raven “loves that about him.” It’s very weird to watch someone use their lack of immorality to fish for a compliment but hey.

The episode ends implying that Corinne and Taylor end up on a two-on-one. I’ve been pushing that Corinne won’t make it past week five on the show, and I’m really hoping to god that’s the case because I am tired of attempting to explain her without implying she’s an illegitimate child of Donald Trump’s. It could be the case, she’s from Florida, you don’t know.

Oh, and PS – Alexis continues to be amazing, revealing that one of her two biggest fears is Nic Cage the actor.

Box Score

Date Roses

Danielle L., Kristina, Raven

Smooches

Danielle L., Kristina, Vanessa, Rachel, Raven, Taylor

Going Home

Brittany, Christen

A Parting Screenshot

screen-shot-2017-01-25-at-12-18-53-pm

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One thought on “Viall Style: Farm to Cable

  1. J.J. Jansons says:

    I can’t speak for others, but the Ravenclaw portion of the recap is much better with Crime Mob’s “Stilettos” playing in the background.

    Like

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