Ugh. Ugggggh. Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Why did it have to be like this?
First things first: I predicted Corinne wouldn’t last past Week 5, and I was wrong. And unfortunately we all lose as a result. Corinne and Taylor are playing two Bachelor archetypes here, and while it almost never ends well for either one, it definitely never ends well for the role that Taylor played.
The person who confronts the monster always dies. That’s just how it goes. It’s usually a noble sacrifice but it never ends up being a good look in the eyes of the bachelor himself. The monster also usually dies, but we did see Courtney Robertson ride her combination vitriol-generating indifference and Literally Being A Model to a proposal (or whatever it was). But the thing is that Corinne isn’t a model and is usually just drunk. She’s got a shitty voice and really isn’t even good television once you accept the fact that she’s an illegitimate Trump child (he spends enough time in Florida, admit it, it’s possible).
All of this to say, I’m done focusing on her in this space. She’s probably going to go pretty far, because once you pick the tantrum-throwing woman-child with a coconut for a brain and boob-grabbing for maturity over the snooty, passive-aggressive PNW mental health counselor (or w/e), you’re in for the whole pound. Still, it’s the same shit, different episode every week with her and while I’m sure she’s the only reason many people are still watching, it’s insufferable to talk about every god damn week. Maybe if her behavior was laughable break from an otherwise different world, but, well, yeah.
Anyway, Taylor went home on the two-on-one, Corinne stayed, and Nick probably had to hide his awkward erection for the entire boat ride back. Silly Nick, that’s all Corinne is here for!
After being showing faux excitement about going to Milwaukee in the middle of October (again, no offense to Milwaukee, which I was in in October and it was lovely), it’s revealed we’re going to New Orleans on this trip. Much better, just in terms of likely weather, etc.
Rachel gets the one-on-one date, and they go for Nick’s favorite type of date: “a chill walk around the city.” It’s almost like Nick has no other plan. Don’t get me wrong, walking around New Orleans is a sweet day to spend a day, but like…you’re on a television show, my dude. Maybe spice it up a little?
Speaking of lacking any flavor, Nick tries a beignet for the first time ever and holy hell, if you haven’t had a beignet in your life fix that fucking immediately. Also, if you haven’t had a beignet and you are rectifying that immediately, a word to the wise: DO NOT INHALE AS YOU ARE TAKING A BITE. YOU WILL CHOKE ON POWDERED SUGAR. This has been an emergency beignet announcement, thank you.
Then they dance in the middle of the street as a band walks down it and once you think you’ve hit rock bottom in terms of how much of your life has been spent watching Nick dance badly to a clearly manufactured music situation, they step into a bar and he excitedly names some musician you’ve never heard of and, you guessed it, commences dancing.
Rachel reveals she was recently in New Orleans for a funeral and how it caused her to reevaluate life and what was meaningful. Nick showed his usual depth and compassion.
Kill May Now
The group date sends the ladies and Nick to a ghost house with possibly the least convincing actor-host ever. “Boo” was like a Chris Elliot character who was like three shades too normal. The story is that there was a little girl who died whose name was May, and she is sensitive about not having her doll or some shit I mean who can even keep up. Oh also, when the house cut their lights to scare everyone just before a commercial break, ABC edited in some absolutely atrocious lightning.
They spent a very long time on this date and it was not at all interesting.
Corinne is definitely just Chad
Rachel, Danielle M., Corinne
Rachel, Taylor, Corinne, Danielle M., Danielle L., probably some others I don’t know Nick is a hussy
Taylor, Astrid, Sarah
A Parting Screenshot