Bravo, TV Recap

Real Housewives of Dallas: Everything’s Bigger in Dallas

Oh, it’s here. It’s finally here, y’all. Andy Cohen has descended upon my homeland to make all of our dreams come true. Wait, did I say dreams? I meant nightmares. Put on your boots, grab your bag full of Texas cliches (it’s probably tied to your horse), and let’s meet some Housewives!

Brandi

“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas, I’m never on the sidelines.”

You or someone you know might be inclined at this moment to yell “WHERE DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADERS STAND?”, or, “THIS IS WHY THEY WRITE ARTICLES EXPLAINING SPORTS TO WOMEN.” You might even be inclined to suggest that it was I, your friendly and perfectly rational author, who was yelling those things. You wouldn’t be wrong.

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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: Chore Time

(This is another tale of woe from the January 9th episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER. To participate in a threesome gone wrong from the same episode, click here.)

All is quiet at the emergency room, nurses and physicians just standing around chatting, when a woman rushes through the doors pushing a vacuum cleaner.

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“Ma’am, the appliance repair store is right around the corner,” our guy in green scrubs helpfully mansplains. From the other side of the door comes a panicked voice. A panicked male voice.

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I don’t think that’s where that goes.

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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: Three’s A Crowd

Meet Pedro and Noriko. They’ve been together for four years after meeting at a local comedy club where they each participate in open mic night.

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Wait, hold on. That’s not Pedro and Noriko. This is Pedro and Noriko. The puppet is Clarence. You’ll want to remember Clarence.

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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: It’s Like A Facial

(Each weekly episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER features three stories of whoopee whoopsies, but two of the ones this week are boring, so let’s focus on the story of one lady and her “Lady Jane”.)

Meet Josh and Amber. The first thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they have been together for six years. The second thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they love morning sex, calling it a “great way to start the day.” Amber will soon learn that this particular day will not turn out so great for her and her hoo-ha.

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Note: TLC doesn’t have this episode online, but one of the main production points of Sex Sent Me To The ER is cutaways to background objects violently shaking to indicate that our dramatic re-enactors are, in fact, doing (well, simulating) the deed. Today’s edition of Violently Shaking Background Objects Used To Indicate Sexual Intercourse:

  • An overhead Tiffany-style lamp
  • The headboard
  • An abstract wall painting
  • A closet door
  • An exterior patio door
  • A vase of faux flowers

Gotta lock those doors, people. With that out of the way, it’s time to head down the path of gruesome genital injury!
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TLC

Sex Sent Me To The ER: A Primer

Sex Sent Me To The ER is, by title alone, exactly what it sounds like. And by being exactly what it sounds like, we find ourselves with a set of three guiding principles to lead us like the North Star through these amorous atrocities if the North Star were to fall from the sky and damage your genitals:

  • Wow
  • How
  • Owwww

If you’ve never seen the show, or you’ve made it this far and still don’t quite understand what we’re dealing with here, allow me to assist.

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TLC, TV Recap

90 DF: Don’t Push Me (S3 E7)

Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…

  • Alexei was forced into modeling to please his future wife, which sounds like the plotline to a Lifetime movie, but isn’t. Unless it is. It might be.
  • Mormon Papa Dirk, King of the Uptight White Men finally cracked and welcomed Aleksandra into their lives and all was well except everyone still lived in Idaho.
  • Mark reminded Nikki of all the things she has to look forward to in their future, like never having children and hearing about his ex-wife all the time. So appealing!

59 days left to go in Baltimore, where Nikki and Mark are giving each other some space due to their arguments over their future children that Nikki may want and that Mark absolutely does not want. Nikki wants to get out of The Specimen’s House of Pianos and Depression and spend time with someone her own age, which is great. Who are you gonna hang out with, Nikki?

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Oh.

…wait, why are there binoculars in the kitchen window? And bubbles? Just what exactly is going on in this antiquated appliance museum of sadness? MARRRRRRRKKKKKKK.

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TLC, TV Recap

90DF: Lights, Camera, Drama (S3 E6)

Previously on 90 Day Fiancé…

  • Kyle/Noon: flashback to Casa de Cucarachas; Noon desperately tries to sweep away her insect-filled nightmares.
  • Aleksandra: wants to go home to Prague; learns that Rexburg is full of dancing potatoes.
  • Mark/Nikki: Nikki asks if Mark has regrets about her arrival; Mark says she might be projecting her feelings, is human equivalent of a “no, YOU’RE crying” tweet.
  • Loren/Alexei: Skype call of depression to the motherland; Loren cries.
  • Melanie/Devar: Devar says he’ll send money to Jamaica once he starts working; Melanie calls for a prenup; Bev goes Full Bev.
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We open with Mark (he’s a specimen) saying that the last few weeks with Nikki have been “a bit challenging.” Mark’s sister and her children are coming into town for a party, which should be a celebration, but Nikki’s period is also in town. Excuse me, her “time of the month.” You’re a grown man, Specimen. Say period.

Cut to the party prep…which is Mark taking a stack of waffles out of the microwave? The party is breakfast? I won’t even get out of bed in time to make myself breakfast most mornings and these people are flying in from Colorado. Them waffles better be good, Specimen.

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