ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Nick Sucks

Nick really, truly sucks at being the bachelor. Everyone is mad at him because not only does he suck, but he can’t mitigate it with even feigning interest. I am not subjecting myself to this episode a second time, even for you my loyal readers. Shruggy g- oh wait, I have something for this.

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ABC

Fantasy Bachelor: Week 6 Preview

Apologies for missing last week, I know it’s hard to imagine that other things might take precedence over fantasy bachelor predictions, but it happened to me. The horror.

Question 1

Which tropical island do Nick and the bachelorettes visit?

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Farm to Cable

Episode 4 kicked off with a continuance of Nick getting correctly bitched out by everyone who isn’t Corinne, including The Grace of Gingham, Chris Harrison. We slid from Corinne continuing to suck out loud while people are trying to help her right into a Rose Ceremony that she’s barely awake for. Spoiler: she gets the last rose. This was a surprise to no one, of course, except perhaps one contestant who dropped a literal “oh my god” as she stepped forward to accept her rose.

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ABC, Uncategorized

Fantasy Bachelor: Week 4 Preview

Last week’s preview was a winner. We nailed four of six questions and also got insanely lucky by guessing Danielle L. as the winner of the most awkward dance I’ve ever seen since Carlton Banks graced our airwaves. This week has added two more questions to the mix which just means two more opportunities to mess up! Let’s get to it.

Question 1

The bachelorettes get to travel this week! Where does Nick whisk them off to?

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Bachstreet’s Back

This week was a doozy. [Stefon voice] It. Had. Everything. A bounce house, fake space, vomit-kissing, a slowtunda…

wait…wait…what is a slowtunda

oh you know…it’s that thing when you’ve won a dance competition at a staged concert and the Backstreet Boys serenade you a capella as you do the worst slow dance of all time…

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Liz Miserables

The Bachelor has started doing this thing in recent seasons where they don’t have a rose ceremony in an episode and then cram two into the following one. While I can appreciate playing with the format, the elongated storylines that come about as a result are just brutal and unnecessary. If there’s so much going on that you couldn’t get to a rose ceremony…fine, but that’s rarely the case, and it definitely wasn’t this week where only three women mattered. This brings us to…

Lizzzzzzzzzz

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: She-World

Getting crushed on National Television. Ultimately that’s what this is about. We’ve seen it happen to Nick two times on The Bachelorette, before a redemptive stint on Bachelor in Paradise, that somehow ended up with him dumping Jennifer. This earned him the hearts of America? Well, we’re a fickle, dumb group of people and we deserve the person we get based on our fickle, dumb interests. That person is Nick Viall and he is here to make us happy.

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God. Dammit. Not like that.

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