Nick really, truly sucks at being the bachelor. Everyone is mad at him because not only does he suck, but he can’t mitigate it with even feigning interest. I am not subjecting myself to this episode a second time, even for you my loyal readers. Shruggy g- oh wait, I have something for this.
Apologies for missing last week, I know it’s hard to imagine that other things might take precedence over fantasy bachelor predictions, but it happened to me. The horror.
Which tropical island do Nick and the bachelorettes visit?
Episode 4 kicked off with a continuance of Nick getting correctly bitched out by everyone who isn’t Corinne, including The Grace of Gingham, Chris Harrison. We slid from Corinne continuing to suck out loud while people are trying to help her right into a Rose Ceremony that she’s barely awake for. Spoiler: she gets the last rose. This was a surprise to no one, of course, except perhaps one contestant who dropped a literal “oh my god” as she stepped forward to accept her rose.
Last week’s preview was a winner. We nailed four of six questions and also got insanely lucky by guessing Danielle L. as the winner of the most awkward dance I’ve ever seen since Carlton Banks graced our airwaves. This week has added two more questions to the mix which just means two more opportunities to mess up! Let’s get to it.
The bachelorettes get to travel this week! Where does Nick whisk them off to?
This week was a doozy. [Stefon voice] It. Had. Everything. A bounce house, fake space, vomit-kissing, a slowtunda…
wait…wait…what is a slowtunda
oh you know…it’s that thing when you’ve won a dance competition at a staged concert and the Backstreet Boys serenade you a capella as you do the worst slow dance of all time…
The Bachelor has started doing this thing in recent seasons where they don’t have a rose ceremony in an episode and then cram two into the following one. While I can appreciate playing with the format, the elongated storylines that come about as a result are just brutal and unnecessary. If there’s so much going on that you couldn’t get to a rose ceremony…fine, but that’s rarely the case, and it definitely wasn’t this week where only three women mattered. This brings us to…
Getting crushed on National Television. Ultimately that’s what this is about. We’ve seen it happen to Nick two times on The Bachelorette, before a redemptive stint on Bachelor in Paradise, that somehow ended up with him dumping Jennifer. This earned him the hearts of America? Well, we’re a fickle, dumb group of people and we deserve the person we get based on our fickle, dumb interests. That person is Nick Viall and he is here to make us happy.
God. Dammit. Not like that.
2016 has been utter trash but at least 2017 is starting things off right, with The Bachelor returning on January 2. I’m one of the rare folks out there that prefers The Bachelorette’s brotastic culture to the shimmering beauty of The Bachelor, but all told it’s a step in the right direction for 2017. Nick Viall is our main man this season, and we’re in danger of an overdose, as the artist formerly known as Normcore Nick has appeared on two Bachelorette seasons, plus Bachelor in Paradise.
He took a star turn on BiP, complete with a new shapeup which dramatically improved his attractiveness in your humble author’s opinion. The new hair, a rockin’ beach bod, and a willingness to tell Josh off made him a fan favorite. Now, let’s take some time to meet the lovely ladies who wish to steal his heart.
Age: 23
Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
What are five things you can’t live without? My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes and whitening strips
I should note that I’m not the most experienced watcher of The Bachelor/ette. I haven’t been in it since the beginning. Really I only got into it during Ali’s season because she kinda reminded me of Jessica Simpson somehow (??) and one dude got a tattoo that had a shield adorned with “11 studs, for the 11 studs” still on the show at the time. That’s right, he got a tattoo while there were ELEVEN contestants left on the show. They left that dude (Austin, I think) on an iceberg, by the way. Later that season a guy in a cast tried to storm off-set by climbing over some moderately high wall or something. It was glorious. I was in from that point on.
So I’m not an expert, but for those of us who have watched for some time, there’s an ebb and flow to every season. There’s something comforting about the way Chris Harrison says The Most Dramatic Season Ever… every single time, a gentle lie that he and we both need to get us by. All of this brings us to our first false flag of the episode, and it’s a big one:
We’re baaaaaaaaaaa [jaw opens as wide as possible] aaaaaaaaaaaaaa [somehow gets wider] aaaaaaaaa [okay seriously how] aaaaack!
We’re going to try and do things a little differently this time around because the recaps for The Bachelor were a little time/gif intensive, and frankly y’all watched the damn thing anyway, so I wasn’t helping. I’ll highlight my major takeaways from each episode, with the caveat being that they’re coming in the form of False Flags because I’m nine years behind on irony and the internet.
We Didn't Come Here To Make Friends 