I’m going to assume since you’re here that you know the deal with the show, so here’s how this here blog is going to work. If you don’t there are a lot of ways to get prepped on this year’s cast, but this is your most thorough.

IRL, I watch the show with my mom and my fiancée. We each get a team that we keep track of that is determined by the order in which the lovely ladies exit their limousines. Once we have our teams we root like hell for our ladies (or sometimes against, it can’t be helped), we yell at each other during every Rose Ceremony, and generally make snide remarks at every opportunity possible.

Before we get to the ladies, let’s talk about the Bachelor: Ben Higgins. If you’re thinking “that guy sounds like scrambled egg-whites with a splash of one-percent milk” well you have a keen ear for names. Ben H., as his non-affectionately known in the Bachelor universe was the third runner-up in last season’s Bachelorette (Kaitlyn Something). He is the latest in a line of increasingly boring Bachelors, as ABC seeks to appeal to everyone by finding bachelors who offend no one (except those with a penchant for flavor).

Ben gets to bro down with three previous bachelors (Jason, Sean, Chris), which is when we notice how tiny Jason is. They offer generic advice which is fitting because they’re exceedingly generic people. Most of their advice involves making the prospective women on the show sound like a herd of animals that you might be unfamiliar with. Lots of “just make sure they’re comfortable. You want to put them at ease, be yourself,” etc.

The order this year: Fiancée, Mom, Me (Craig). Which each contestant I will recount what their shtick was upon exiting the limo, and what their parting words were for Ben upon executing said shtick. We’ll tackle my team first.

Team Me (Craig)

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