Bravo, TV Recap

Real Housewives of Dallas: Everything’s Bigger in Dallas

Oh, it’s here. It’s finally here, y’all. Andy Cohen has descended upon my homeland to make all of our dreams come true. Wait, did I say dreams? I meant nightmares. Put on your boots, grab your bag full of Texas cliches (it’s probably tied to your horse), and let’s meet some Housewives!

Brandi

“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas, I’m never on the sidelines.”

You or someone you know might be inclined at this moment to yell “WHERE DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADERS STAND?”, or, “THIS IS WHY THEY WRITE ARTICLES EXPLAINING SPORTS TO WOMEN.” You might even be inclined to suggest that it was I, your friendly and perfectly rational author, who was yelling those things. You wouldn’t be wrong.

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Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: Pretty Little Lies (S4 E3)

Okay, so you’ve seen this episode, possibly multiple times by now because I can’t budget my time effectively. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, just for old time’s sake, eh?

Lala Lala Lala I Can’t Hear You

We open as Lisa confronts Schearecrow and Katie about being mean to Lala. More insinuation, seemingly accurate, that this trip to Italy is being provided to Lala by a rich dude for, ahem, services. Later, Scheanic Route loses her shit on Lisa who unnecessarily hectors her and Katie to be nice to Lala (is this fifth grade?). She declares there’s more important shit going on in her life right now, which is true, but also it’s almost true by necessity given that it’s being compared to “being nice to some hostess with a non-name.”

Lisa later uses information provided by Schearling and Katie to corner Lala into admitting that she didn’t have a modeling gig. Lala says she was going to be “arm candy” for a guy, but instead flew back home because she had a breakdown because Katie and InScheaption were being mean, which is 100% not a true thing that’s happening. This is the same woman that said she didn’t give a shit about this job two episodes ago, so if it was causing her emotional stress (she doesn’t have the ) she would just quit.

Phallus Talk

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Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: New Blood (S4 E2)

Enter Lala

Lala “has been modeling since [she] was 12” so being a waitress is her “first real job.” She immediately decides to go to Venice despite having shifts scheduled, and says she takes the job (seating people) as seriously as it deserves, which is a fair point except she literally just said it was her first real job. When Lisa asked her how things were going her reply of “well nobody has punched me in the face and called me a bitch yet” should have been seen as an omen. She could use a little of column A and a little of column B in this author’s humble opinion.

Jax’s girlfriend…fling? Main piece? Lady friend? Let’s go with lady friend, Brittany is all of a sudden in LA and looks eerily like Lala. Odds that this is the same person and they’re trying to cast her in two different roles? I put nothing past the Bravo execs. Jax thinks Lisa is going to hire Brala even though Lisa is stridently opposed to hiring couples. Jax set Brala up for success for this interview by actually not preparing her at all and allowing her to take the meeting wearing a romper and not having a resumé. Jax takes advantage of Brala being in an interview to hit on Actual Lala.

Ugh Kristen

Because Kristen appears to be contractually obligated to ruin every episode, the drama in “New Blood” mostly centers around old news Kristen and James and their animated corpse of a relationship. Their current clusterfuck of shame, hurt, and indifference centers on James calling an Uber at 6 AM for a woman he went home with. Scheartreuse has dubbed this…I’ll let her tell you:

Screen Shot 2015-11-18 at 10.31.45 PM

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Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: Playtime’s Over (S4 E1)

Brief Introduction

Hello and welcome. Welcome to We Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, which is, in case you were wondering, an ideal length for a blog name. It also shortens to handy acronym: WDCHTMF. Rolls right off the uvula.

You might think that our inaugural post would focus on the sort of Bad Reality Television that inspired the name for our humble blog: your Bachelor/ette, your… well basically any of the Bachelor/ette franchises. You might think that. But no, we’re going to start with a show that perfectly displays the reason why one doesn’t come on a reality show to make or be friends.

Vanderpump Rules

That show, dear reader, is Vanderpump Rules, which we pick up in its (stunningly) fourth season (seriously how are we in the fourth season of this disease-ridden franchise?).

While there was a lot of narrative to catch up on, this was something of a tame premier. We open with Lisa openly calling out members of her staff in front of everyone, which is a power (but also a dick) move. This meeting serves not only to let us know that SUR (Sexy Unique Restaurant (for true though)) is getting some work done, and that our hero Jax Taylor is undergoing a third round of surgery on his nose.

Ugh Kristen

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