ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: Liz Miserables

The Bachelor has started doing this thing in recent seasons where they don’t have a rose ceremony in an episode and then cram two into the following one. While I can appreciate playing with the format, the elongated storylines that come about as a result are just brutal and unnecessary. If there’s so much going on that you couldn’t get to a rose ceremony…fine, but that’s rarely the case, and it definitely wasn’t this week where only three women mattered. This brings us to…

Lizzzzzzzzzz

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ABC, TV Recap

Viall Style: She-World

Getting crushed on National Television. Ultimately that’s what this is about. We’ve seen it happen to Nick two times on The Bachelorette, before a redemptive stint on Bachelor in Paradise, that somehow ended up with him dumping Jennifer. This earned him the hearts of America? Well, we’re a fickle, dumb group of people and we deserve the person we get based on our fickle, dumb interests. That person is Nick Viall and he is here to make us happy.

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God. Dammit. Not like that.

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ABC, TV Recap, Uncategorized

A Talk to Remember: Meeting the Ladies of The Bachelor

2016 has been utter trash but at least 2017 is starting things off right, with The Bachelor returning on January 2. I’m one of the rare folks out there that prefers The Bachelorette’s brotastic culture to the shimmering beauty of The Bachelor, but all told it’s a step in the right direction for 2017. Nick Viall is our main man this season, and we’re in danger of an overdose, as the artist formerly known as Normcore Nick has appeared on two Bachelorette seasons, plus Bachelor in Paradise.

He took a star turn on BiP, complete with a new shapeup which dramatically improved his attractiveness in your humble author’s opinion. The new hair, a rockin’ beach bod, and a willingness to tell Josh off made him a fan favorite. Now, let’s take some time to meet the lovely ladies who wish to steal his heart.

Contestant: Alexis

Relevant Details

Age: 23
Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
What are five things you can’t live without? My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes and whitening strips

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ABC, TV Recap

Game of Bros: Shooting The Moon

I should note that I’m not the most experienced watcher of The Bachelor/ette. I haven’t been in it since the beginning. Really I only got into it during Ali’s season because she kinda reminded me of Jessica Simpson somehow (??) and one dude got a tattoo that had a shield adorned with “11 studs, for the 11 studs” still on the show at the time. That’s right, he got a tattoo while there were ELEVEN contestants left on the show. They left that dude (Austin, I think) on an iceberg, by the way. Later that season a guy in a cast tried to storm off-set by climbing over some moderately high wall or something. It was glorious. I was in from that point on.

So I’m not an expert, but for those of us who have watched for some time, there’s an ebb and flow to every season. There’s something comforting about the way Chris Harrison says The Most Dramatic Season Ever… every single time, a gentle lie that he and we both need to get us by. All of this brings us to our first false flag of the episode, and it’s a big one:

False Flag #1: Chad

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ABC, TV Recap

Game of Bros: Jojo’s Mojo

We’re baaaaaaaaaaa [jaw opens as wide as possible] aaaaaaaaaaaaaa [somehow gets wider] aaaaaaaaa [okay seriously how] aaaaack!

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We’re going to try and do things a little differently this time around because the recaps for The Bachelor were a little time/gif intensive, and frankly y’all watched the damn thing anyway, so I wasn’t helping. I’ll highlight my major takeaways from each episode, with the caveat being that they’re coming in the form of False Flags because I’m nine years behind on irony and the internet.

FALSE FLAG #1: JoJo’s Small Council

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Bravo, TV Recap

Real Housewives of Dallas: Everything’s Bigger in Dallas

Oh, it’s here. It’s finally here, y’all. Andy Cohen has descended upon my homeland to make all of our dreams come true. Wait, did I say dreams? I meant nightmares. Put on your boots, grab your bag full of Texas cliches (it’s probably tied to your horse), and let’s meet some Housewives!

Brandi

“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas, I’m never on the sidelines.”

You or someone you know might be inclined at this moment to yell “WHERE DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADERS STAND?”, or, “THIS IS WHY THEY WRITE ARTICLES EXPLAINING SPORTS TO WOMEN.” You might even be inclined to suggest that it was I, your friendly and perfectly rational author, who was yelling those things. You wouldn’t be wrong.

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ABC, TV Recap

The Bachelor: Red Cards (S20E3)

With the third episode of The Bachelor taking us on a rollercoaster ride of emotion regarding more than one contestant, let’s take a look the episode through the prism of each team that was drafted at the beginning of the season.

Team Fiancée

Has: Lauren B., Jami, Amanda, Shushanna, Lauren H., Emily, Amber
Lost: Breanne, Jessica, Jackie

Lauren B. gets the first one-on-one date card for the episode. She says “shut the front door” in the car, so she’s on pace with Caila for hokey mom-phrases that are likely turn-ons for The Blandchelor.

Ben takes the flight attendant on a date involving…planes. You gotta hand it to Ben for continually pushing the envelope when it comes to lack of creativity. As they fly around in the back of a fancy/old-timey plane, Ben keeps kissing Lauren B.’s microphone.

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Isn’t this how you always thought love would be? Speaking of which:

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