ABC, TV Recap

Game of Bros: Shooting The Moon

I should note that I’m not the most experienced watcher of The Bachelor/ette. I haven’t been in it since the beginning. Really I only got into it during Ali’s season because she kinda reminded me of Jessica Simpson somehow (??) and one dude got a tattoo that had a shield adorned with “11 studs, for the 11 studs” still on the show at the time. That’s right, he got a tattoo while there were ELEVEN contestants left on the show. They left that dude (Austin, I think) on an iceberg, by the way. Later that season a guy in a cast tried to storm off-set by climbing over some moderately high wall or something. It was glorious. I was in from that point on.

So I’m not an expert, but for those of us who have watched for some time, there’s an ebb and flow to every season. There’s something comforting about the way Chris Harrison says The Most Dramatic Season Ever… every single time, a gentle lie that he and we both need to get us by. All of this brings us to our first false flag of the episode, and it’s a big one:

False Flag #1: Chad

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ABC, TV Recap

Game of Bros: Jojo’s Mojo

We’re baaaaaaaaaaa [jaw opens as wide as possible] aaaaaaaaaaaaaa [somehow gets wider] aaaaaaaaa [okay seriously how] aaaaack!


We’re going to try and do things a little differently this time around because the recaps for The Bachelor were a little time/gif intensive, and frankly y’all watched the damn thing anyway, so I wasn’t helping. I’ll highlight my major takeaways from each episode, with the caveat being that they’re coming in the form of False Flags because I’m nine years behind on irony and the internet.

FALSE FLAG #1: JoJo’s Small Council

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Bravo, TV Recap

Real Housewives of Dallas: Everything’s Bigger in Dallas

Oh, it’s here. It’s finally here, y’all. Andy Cohen has descended upon my homeland to make all of our dreams come true. Wait, did I say dreams? I meant nightmares. Put on your boots, grab your bag full of Texas cliches (it’s probably tied to your horse), and let’s meet some Housewives!


“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas, I’m never on the sidelines.”

You or someone you know might be inclined at this moment to yell “WHERE DO YOU THINK CHEERLEADERS STAND?”, or, “THIS IS WHY THEY WRITE ARTICLES EXPLAINING SPORTS TO WOMEN.” You might even be inclined to suggest that it was I, your friendly and perfectly rational author, who was yelling those things. You wouldn’t be wrong.

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ABC, TV Recap

The Bachelor: Red Cards (S20E3)

With the third episode of The Bachelor taking us on a rollercoaster ride of emotion regarding more than one contestant, let’s take a look the episode through the prism of each team that was drafted at the beginning of the season.

Team Fiancée

Has: Lauren B., Jami, Amanda, Shushanna, Lauren H., Emily, Amber
Lost: Breanne, Jessica, Jackie

Lauren B. gets the first one-on-one date card for the episode. She says “shut the front door” in the car, so she’s on pace with Caila for hokey mom-phrases that are likely turn-ons for The Blandchelor.

Ben takes the flight attendant on a date involving…planes. You gotta hand it to Ben for continually pushing the envelope when it comes to lack of creativity. As they fly around in the back of a fancy/old-timey plane, Ben keeps kissing Lauren B.’s microphone.


Isn’t this how you always thought love would be? Speaking of which:

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ABC, TV Recap

The Bachelor: Kinds Of Crazy (S20E2)

When it comes to The Bachelor, part of navigating the minefield of Lovely Ladies™ is recognizing and accurately diagnosing the types of crazy that you’re dealing with. Whether that’s so you can lean into the crazy and embrace the conniver of your dreams (Ben F.) or just to sidestep the the woman who decided to wear a rose as a hat on the first night (good job Ben H.!), it’s necessary and important step.

To that end, we here at We Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends are pleased to offer good ol’ B³ (Boring Bachelor Ben) a guide to some of the warning signs that some of the contestants are exhibiting in the early going.

Crazy Insecure

Enter: Lace.

She let the cat out of the bag in episode one when she went at Ben post-rose ceremony for not making enough eye contact with her. Still, she was under the influence and perhaps could demonstrate a little more self-control when she hasn’t imbibed so much vinoooooh no.


This is just who she is. Look, we can feel for Lace… this is why she’s here after all, but her narcissism has blinded her to the fact that there are 20-something other women in the hunt and she’s not going to have this dude to herself.

Lace is so insecure that she feels the need to prove how crazy she isn’t which only reinforces that homegirl is cray cray.

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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: Chore Time

(This is another tale of woe from the January 9th episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER. To participate in a threesome gone wrong from the same episode, click here.)

All is quiet at the emergency room, nurses and physicians just standing around chatting, when a woman rushes through the doors pushing a vacuum cleaner.


“Ma’am, the appliance repair store is right around the corner,” our guy in green scrubs helpfully mansplains. From the other side of the door comes a panicked voice. A panicked male voice.


I don’t think that’s where that goes.

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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: Three’s A Crowd

Meet Pedro and Noriko. They’ve been together for four years after meeting at a local comedy club where they each participate in open mic night.


Wait, hold on. That’s not Pedro and Noriko. This is Pedro and Noriko. The puppet is Clarence. You’ll want to remember Clarence.


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ABC, TV Recap

The Bachelor: Getting Higgi With It (S20E1)

I’m going to assume since you’re here that you know the deal with the show, so here’s how this here blog is going to work. If you don’t there are a lot of ways to get prepped on this year’s cast, but this is your most thorough.

IRL, I watch the show with my mom and my fiancée. We each get a team that we keep track of that is determined by the order in which the lovely ladies exit their limousines. Once we have our teams we root like hell for our ladies (or sometimes against, it can’t be helped), we yell at each other during every Rose Ceremony, and generally make snide remarks at every opportunity possible.

Before we get to the ladies, let’s talk about the Bachelor: Ben Higgins. If you’re thinking “that guy sounds like scrambled egg-whites with a splash of one-percent milk” well you have a keen ear for names. Ben H., as his non-affectionately known in the Bachelor universe was the third runner-up in last season’s Bachelorette (Kaitlyn Something). He is the latest in a line of increasingly boring Bachelors, as ABC seeks to appeal to everyone by finding bachelors who offend no one (except those with a penchant for flavor).

Ben gets to bro down with three previous bachelors (Jason, Sean, Chris), which is when we notice how tiny Jason is. They offer generic advice which is fitting because they’re exceedingly generic people. Most of their advice involves making the prospective women on the show sound like a herd of animals that you might be unfamiliar with. Lots of “just make sure they’re comfortable. You want to put them at ease, be yourself,” etc.

The order this year: Fiancée, Mom, Me (Craig). Which each contestant I will recount what their shtick was upon exiting the limo, and what their parting words were for Ben upon executing said shtick. We’ll tackle my team first.

Team Me (Craig)


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TLC, TV Recap

Sex Sent Me To The ER: It’s Like A Facial

(Each weekly episode of Sex Sent Me To The ER features three stories of whoopee whoopsies, but two of the ones this week are boring, so let’s focus on the story of one lady and her “Lady Jane”.)

Meet Josh and Amber. The first thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they have been together for six years. The second thing we learn about Josh and Amber is that they love morning sex, calling it a “great way to start the day.” Amber will soon learn that this particular day will not turn out so great for her and her hoo-ha.


Note: TLC doesn’t have this episode online, but one of the main production points of Sex Sent Me To The ER is cutaways to background objects violently shaking to indicate that our dramatic re-enactors are, in fact, doing (well, simulating) the deed. Today’s edition of Violently Shaking Background Objects Used To Indicate Sexual Intercourse:

  • An overhead Tiffany-style lamp
  • The headboard
  • An abstract wall painting
  • A closet door
  • An exterior patio door
  • A vase of faux flowers

Gotta lock those doors, people. With that out of the way, it’s time to head down the path of gruesome genital injury!
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Bravo, TV Recap

VPR: Pretty Little Lies (S4 E3)

Okay, so you’ve seen this episode, possibly multiple times by now because I can’t budget my time effectively. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, just for old time’s sake, eh?

Lala Lala Lala I Can’t Hear You

We open as Lisa confronts Schearecrow and Katie about being mean to Lala. More insinuation, seemingly accurate, that this trip to Italy is being provided to Lala by a rich dude for, ahem, services. Later, Scheanic Route loses her shit on Lisa who unnecessarily hectors her and Katie to be nice to Lala (is this fifth grade?). She declares there’s more important shit going on in her life right now, which is true, but also it’s almost true by necessity given that it’s being compared to “being nice to some hostess with a non-name.”

Lisa later uses information provided by Schearling and Katie to corner Lala into admitting that she didn’t have a modeling gig. Lala says she was going to be “arm candy” for a guy, but instead flew back home because she had a breakdown because Katie and InScheaption were being mean, which is 100% not a true thing that’s happening. This is the same woman that said she didn’t give a shit about this job two episodes ago, so if it was causing her emotional stress (she doesn’t have the ) she would just quit.

Phallus Talk

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