2016 has been utter trash but at least 2017 is starting things off right, with The Bachelor returning on January 2. I’m one of the rare folks out there that prefers The Bachelorette’s brotastic culture to the shimmering beauty of The Bachelor, but all told it’s a step in the right direction for 2017. Nick Viall is our main man this season, and we’re in danger of an overdose, as the artist formerly known as Normcore Nick has appeared on two Bachelorette seasons, plus Bachelor in Paradise.

He took a star turn on BiP, complete with a new shapeup which dramatically improved his attractiveness in your humble author’s opinion. The new hair, a rockin’ beach bod, and a willingness to tell Josh off made him a fan favorite. Now, let’s take some time to meet the lovely ladies who wish to steal his heart.

Contestant: Alexis

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Age: 23
Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
What are five things you can’t live without? My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes and whitening strips

Comments

Jesus they did not ease us into this. Everyone is going to focus on “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer” and there’s a lot there, but let’s not lose sight of those last two things Alexis can’t live without. Do you think she’s eating the whitening strips? I can’t fathom another reason they’d be indispensable.

Contestant: Angela

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Age: 26
Occupation: Model
All-time favorite movies: Ace Ventura, Despicable Me, The Notebook
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin. They are playful and sociable and live in family groups.

Comments

First of all: solid set of movies, given the circumstances. I’ll applaud anyone willing to put Ace Ventura in their top three. It’s not that good, but it at least shows a sense of humor. More importantly, let’s all just get reeeeaaaal comfortable with the amount of Dolphin on this season. The good news? If Angela gets to be the animal she wants to be, Alexis can aspire to train her. They’ll get along swimmingly.

Contestant: Astrid

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Age: 26
Occupation: Plastic Surgery Office Manager
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin, so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.
If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Work

Comments

Fucking hell, more dolphins. I thought I was ready.

Also, that’s right everyone, Jan From The Office’s baby has grown up, manages a plastic surgery office and would be happy if she just never had to do that again.

Contestant: Briana

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Age: 28
Occupation: Surgical Unit Nurse
All-time favorite movies: Zoolander, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Shawshank Redemption

Comments

All right! That’s a solid trio of movies. Zoolander is legitimately good, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is somewhere between legit watchable and campy in a good way, and Shawshank is just a good, real choice. I’m in on Briana. I bet she doesn’t even want to be a dol-

If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin so I could breathe underwater, do flips and be cute.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Contestant: Brittany

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Age: 26
Occupation: Travel Nurse
What are five things you can’t live without? My mom, tennis shoes, the sun, chocolate, and music.

Comments

Shouts to Brittany for taking this question seriously and being cognizant of the necessity of the sun as sustenance for life.

Contestant: Christen

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Age: 25
Occupation: Wedding Videographer
If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Katniss Everdeen. She’s tough and hot and she marches to the beat of her own drum! Dig it!

Comments

Several things:
1) That’s not how you spell Kristen
2) Videographer? Really? Ugh.
3) Her dream caper involves sleeping in a storage closet for months…
4) She had her choice of any fictional character and she chose one who was forced to kill a bunch of people, whose sister died, who was drugged like, 12 times, and basically miserable for the majority of her life.

Contestant: Corinne

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Age: 24
Occupation: Business Owner
What’s your guilty pleasure TV show? Frasier

Comments

Frasier.

Contestant: Danielle L.

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Age: 27
Occupation: Small Business Owner
If you could be any animal, which one and why? I would be a fox! They are responsive, sometimes cunning and adaptive.
What is your favorite all-time book and why? The 5 Languages of Love! Discover yourself, your relationship needs. It’s beneficial in all relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers).

Comments

This is a savvy answer to the animal question. I appreciate her restraint on complimenting foxes and realizing their limits. They are not always cunning. Only sometimes.

The answer to the book question should raise five-alarm fires. She could be insane.

Contestant: Danielle M.

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Age: 31
Occupation: Neonatal Nurse
All-time favorite movies: The Sandlot, Ferris Bueller, The Notebook
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Nashville and put myself back together.
When and why did you leave your hometown? I lost my fiancé and I needed to start fresh somewhere.

Comments

Those are EXCELLENT movies. I can’t speak to The Notebook, but it’s a popular one. The other two? High-end films.

No snarking on the latter two. Just worth noting that they put the “outrageous” one multiple questions ahead of the “when and why” one, so it just seemed like an ominous note, until you realize…oh. Oh. Poor Danielle M.

Contestant: Dominique

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Age: 25
Occupation: Restaurant Server
If you could be any animal, which one and why? I would be any kind of flying bird. I love to travel and see the world and could do that easily as a bird.
Lunch with three people alive or dead, and what would you order? My grandfather, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jesus – and we’d be eating burritos from Chipotle.

Comments

Dominique…thank you for specifying the flying birds, and also for incorporating your love of travel into being an animal. While we have you here… Grandpa, Leo, and Jesus??? And you’re eating Chipotle? Honey you can’t love traveling that much if your dream meal is Chipotle. YOU WORK IN A RESTAURANT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I get it. I get why people hate millennials.

Contestant: Liz

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Age: 29
Occupation: Doula
If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. Kill someone
What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? I am not embarrassed of anything I listen to and I openly am a Belieber.
What’s your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Picking my nose while driving. I can’t help it and for some reason it’s always in my car.

Comments

Why would you think of “kill someone?” Why would that be the first thing th- y’know what? Let’s move on. Good for her for lacking shame, nothing wrong with liking Justin Bieber. Kid makes jams. Using “belieber” is unfortunate but, let’s see what else she’s Oh god. Okay. Well, maybe she needs to lack shame. She certainly can’t be very happy because she just killed me by admitting that ON ABC. Dear lord in heaven.

Contestant: Elizabeth

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Age: 24
Occupation: Marketing Manager
Do you have any phobias that would prohibit participation in certain activities? (heights, claustrophobia, crowds, darkness, OCD, etc.) Claustrophobia and Misophonia – it’s a real thing. Look it up on Google!

Comments

Misophonia can also be called “sound rage” so I’m really looking forward to someone playing ABBA or something and Elizabeth going Hulk. It is not recognized in the DSM-IV.

Contestant: Hailey

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Age: 23
Occupation: Photographer
Do you consider yourself a romantic? Nope. I’m very passionate and can be intense but I’m not into making out all the time and being sang to.

Comments

Cool. Glad your practical solution for looking for love (at age 23) was “compete with 25 women on a game show built for grand gestures of romance. Should go super.

Contestant: Ida Marie

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Age: 23
Occupation: Sales Manager
What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.
Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.

Comments

Oh, honey.

Contestant: Jaimi

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Age: 28
Occupation: Chef
Do you follow a specific diet (i.e. vegetarian, macrobiotic, etc.)?: Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian. Just fish + bird, plus byproducts.

Comments

Fuck and no.

Contestant: Jasmine B.

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Age: 25
Occupation: Flight Attendant
Who is your favorite author and why? Steve Harvey. He dished out great advice on success and relationships.
Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? A man who pursues me. I don’t usually chase men. I know I’m attractive and have a lot of great qualities. A man who pursues me gives me assurance that I’m what he wants.

Comments

Guuuurl.

Guuuuuuuuuuuurl.

You know you’re on a show with 25 other women chasing a man, right?

Fuck Steve Harvey.

Contestant: Jasmine G.

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Age: 29
Occupation: Pro Basketball Dancer
Lunch with three people, alive or dead and what would you order? RuPaul, Dave Chappelle, Prince. I would order pizza.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.
All-time favorite movies? A League of Their Own, Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead, The Sandlot

Comments

[gets down on one knee]

Contestant: Josephine

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Age: 24
Occupation: Registered Nurse
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Hmmm… Good question. A tiger or lion. They’re clever, loving and get things done! Also they run in packs so they always have support. 🙂

Comments

Tigers definitely do not run in packs. You might be thinking of wolves. I don’t know what get things done means in this situation.

Contestant: Kristina

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Age: 24
Occupation: Dental Hygienist
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.

Comments

I have a guess.

Contestant: Lacey

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 Age: 25
Occupation: Digital Marketing Manager
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? Apple (a little tough on the outside but sweet inside).
What’s your biggest date fear? That he’s going on another date right after (that has happened before).

Comments

Not convinced Lacey has ever had an apple. Or seen this show.

Contestant: Lauren

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Age: 30
Occupation: Law School Graduate
If you could be any animal, which would you be and why? A dolphin because they are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!

Comments

What is it with these people and the f***ing dolphins?

Contestant: Michelle

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Age: 24
Occupation: Food Truck Owner
If you could have lunch with three people, alive or dead, who (and what would you order)? Albus Dumbledore – Sunday roast, Gwen Stefani – Tacos, Princess Diana – Fish and chips
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Carrie Bradshaw – she’s loyal to her friends, has a big heart, and an amazing closet.

Comments

Wh- how did… she chose three separate lunches with three separate people? Who interprets this question like this? What on earth is going on here?? CARRIE FRIGGIN BRADSHAW? Ugh.

Contestant: Olivia

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Age: 25
Occupation: Apparel Sales Representative
If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? It depends on the situation and where we are at, but I would try to make eye contact with him and smile. If he comes over to me, I would introduce myself.

Comments

Interesting definition of “approach.”

Contestant: Rachel

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Age: 31
Occupation: Attorney
Do you have a serious fear of any kind of animal? I hate things that fly (e.g. birds, grasshoppers).

Comments

Thank you for defining “flying animals.” I was stumped.

Contestant: Raven

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Age: 25
Occupation: Fashion Boutique Owner
Do you have a fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it? No! Oh, I’m sure I’ll use cosmetic procedures to my advantage, but tastefully done.

Comments

Oh that’s where all those other people have gone wrong with their cosmetic procedures. They were like “fuck it, just tear it up and see what happens.”

Contestant: Sarah

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Age: 26
Occupation: Grade School Teacher
Which political party do you align with? Socially Democratic, economically Republican

Comments

Contestant: Susannah

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Age: 26
Occupation: Account Manager
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? This may be extra girly, but I would want to be Ariel. She’s a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra.

Comments

Multiple contestants have used Ariel as this answer and I feel like none of them are considering the fact that the bottom half of you is fish.

Contestant: Taylor

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Age: 23
Occupation: Mental Health Counselor
Who is your favorite clothes designer? Forever 21

Comments

Well, okay.

Contestant: Vanessa

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Age: 29
Occupation: Special Education Teacher
What’s the most romantic present you have ever received, and why? A promise ring – because it’s a freaking promise ring!
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.

Comments

1) Lame
2) What does this even mean? What is she saying about herself? A staple item???

Contestant: Whitney

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Age: 25
Occupation: Pilates Instructor
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Gisele Bündchen/Brady because she has the reputation of being a really successful model and married to Tom Brady. 🙂
How much do you enjoy the theater? I like going to movies but also fun to rent them at home.

Comments

[stage whisper]
PSSSST. Whitney. You’re on a show about getting married to a dude that [checks papers] isn’t Tom Brady. Maybe chill with that shit? Also that isn’t what they meant by theater.